I used to have this recurring nightmare when I was younger. Maybe from when I was 8 to about 14 years old. It didn't happen all the time. Only once or twice a year, but it was just frequent enough for me to realize that it was reoccuring.

In my dream, there was just a large white marble. Like, huge. Like, ginormous. And as the dream when on, it would slowly start to move. I couldn't see myself in the dream, nor was the point of view from my vantage point. I just had this feeling that I needed to stop it from moving, maybe through sheer will. I felt helpless against this marble and it was totally out of my control. It wasn't until recently why I realized that that marble, of all things, happened to be my reoccuring nightmare instead of your usual "oh shit, someone is coming to kill me" type nightmares.

I'm positive I have control issues. I mean, not just control of people or situations, but control of everything in my environment. When I was younger, I used to count the rungs on the footboard of my bed. Over and over again, I'd count them with my feet until I fell asleep. I have to drive everywhere I go because I cannot stand not being at the steering wheel. I am totally anxious on airplanes because I fully understand that my life is in the hands of a man(or woman) that I don't even know. In my first few years of college, I used to go to sleep watching either Happy Gilmore or Pulp Fiction because I knew those movies so well, I knew I wouldn't miss anything if I happened to fall asleep watching them. This shit is almost scary.

I don't think it's really that bad, nor do I think it affects many people. It's become a character trait of mine and I'm sure it's something that my wife is well aware of by now. It just made me giggle the other day thinking about my reoccuring "nightmare" and how silly it might sound to other people, but in the context of my life it makes perfect sense. I don't think many people are as introspective as I am. Maybe the amount of time we spend reading other peoples' blogs could be spent on more worthwhile things, such as reading your own blog and getting to know yourself.

Chatter Box Chatter

The Friends series finale was on tonight, and as expected I didn't watch it. I can't say that I'll miss it now that it's gone. I've watched a few episodes through out the years. Maybe enough to count on my fingers and toes. I can admittedly say that I did laugh the few times that I did watch it. But I can't say I remember any particular episode. I can remember the naked neighbor. I can remember Joey's "How you doin'?". Now that I think about it, I remember that one episode where Ross dammit, Chandler and Phoebe pretend to be attracted each other until Chandler realizes that he can't do it and finally admits that he loves Monica.

Wait, is that recollection even correct? Ah, who gives a fuck? It's over. Boo hoo. Either way, it will always play second fiddle to Seinfeld in the world of "Must See TV". Hell, I'd rather watch reruns of Married With Children than Friends.

And on the same wavelength, I can only think of a few television series' that I was sad to see go. The one that stands out most in my mind is my all-time favorite sitcom, The Wonder Years. As I know I've mentioned before, I related to Kevin Arnold more than any other fictional character on television. The girlfriend. The hard-nosed father. The annoying best friend. I WAS Kevin Arnold. But I don't think a good portion of America related as well as I did. I can't find reruns of this show anywhere.

Nickelodeon was pretty good at showing reruns a few years back, but have since cut it out for their new Nick At Nite line up that includes Cheers, Roseanne, The Cosby Show, etc. Bitch ass ABC Family used to show it at Noon during weekdays but have since replaced it with a less enjoyable episode of Full House. I mean, sure. Capitalize on this whole Mary Kate and Ashley thing. But dammit, don't do it at the cost of dropping excellent, and dare I say, classic television.

But classic is after all classic. It's in the past. There really isn't anything out there that I can say I've latched onto in the same manner. I know I haven't. I know a lot of people felt the same way after the Seinfeld finale, which I have to mention ended on such an anti-climactic note. The finale of Friends is probably going to be the same for their die-hard viewers. But that's it. There really isn't anything there anymore. Other than Frazier, can you think of a "spin-off" that came even close to matching the success of it's predecessor? The Jeffersons? Laverne and Shirley? Not quite. I guess they can always enjoy the reruns and their Season DVD's. I just hope I don't hear about people crying over this shit.

It's not that serious. I mean, it could be worse. Imagine the last season of Saved By The Bell with a bunch of late 30 somethings. *Wretch*

I feel uncomfortable speaking about the racial dynamics in American society, but I've been reading a lot about racial-inequality and examining how I feel about ethnicity and living in a predominantly white society. We no longer live in a world of segregation where black people cannot ride in the front of the bus or where the Japanese and Koreans are treated like shit working in the agricultural fields of California. But there are many racially charged issues that do affect minorities that people refuse to acknowledge. It may not be government instituted programs or racially based hiring practices. It is accepted trains of though that not many people choose to see. We as Americans are in denial of the fact that although the institution of blatant racism may not be as prevalent as in the past, it is still strong enough to be oppressive.

This is not a call for help or a call for action. This is acknowledging something that has been here for years and still remains 'till this day. As a minority, living in a white society is hard.

I used to hate my skin. I was so fuckin' dark. My hair was too black and boring. My nose was so flat. I used to spend hours a day pinching my nose so that I could have a more prominent and "acceptable" nose. I remember in 3rd grade when Gregory Roberts called me "fish lips". I wasn't even mad at him. I was mad because I looked into the mirror and I saw what he saw. I wasn't what was considered "attractive". I wasn't like him: blonde hair, blue eyes. He was the epitome of what was widely accepted as "good looking". I felt the same way. TV at the time wasn't as nearly as diverse as it is now (even though it still isn't as diverse as it could be). There was no one on television that I could identify with. Everything, whether if it was on television, the movies, my classmates, all of them agreed that white was beautiful. Go to every church and Jesus was white. Every respected major government official was white. Everything and everybody that is white is "right". So I'd look at myself in the mirror and know that I was not "right".

I see it everywhere in my culture. If you spend any time watching Filipino television, you would realize how many stars strive to take on the traditional Western ideas of beauty. The dark Filipino is looked down upon as a savage. The half-white half Filipino mestizo is looked upon as beautiful and star worthy. It is not unusual for Filipina women to put astringent on their faces to "lighten" them up or to bleach their hair into a disgusting orange in order to whiten themselves up. You live in a self-deprecating mode like that and you're bound to cause some long lasting effects within your culture. You spend enough time shitting on yourself and the next thing you know you're wallowing in shit.

This self-deprecating train of though has followed Filipinos (and other immigrants, for that matter) to the United States. New Asian immigrants are forced to speak English with their untrained tongues and are chastised for their accents. They are called "FOBS" and made fun of for holding on to aspects of their original cultural. Hell, I did tons of it in jr. high and high school. We are so content and proud of our American culture when it is a culture that would rather do without us. From the start, we have been fed by our parents, by our friends, by the media, and by society as a whole that anything that deviates from this white society is undesirable. Guess what? People are still buying into it. It sucks because it's been like this for so long and no one wants to acknowledge it. They would rather believe that thanks to the civil rights movement of the 60's, everythign is just fine and dandy. Well, it isn't.

I used to be irritated by black militants who were still complaining about how racist American (and Western) culture still is. I was a doubter. I wasn't convinced that black people were having a hard time stopping cabs in New York City. I wasn't convinced that black people were being blatantly overlooked in job hirings. It wasn't until I realized how black people, and minorities in general, are subjected to so many levels of discrimination, from not only others, but from within their own ethnic groups. It's funny, because most of the people who say that the days of racism and discrimination are over are white people. They laugh and scoff at those who say they are being treated unfairly because of their ethnicity. "Not in today's society" These are the same people that believe Affirmative Action is unneccessary. They wouldn't understand how young black kids are treated unfairly in class and are not given the opportunity to flourish because of teacher's prejudice. The chances are stacked against so many minorities. Some people would never understand that. Unless you have walked in their shoes, you cannot truly understand their plight. It would be similar to a man saying he understands the pain in childbirth. He would never really know.

This isn't a "hate whitey" post. It's not about that. It's acknowledging the fact that American society still has a long way to go in creating a truly equal society. It's going to take years upon years to deprogram all the hate and the bigotry and the prejudice that has brainwashed the American society for hundreds of years. This isn't"playing the victim". You know how much I hate "victims". But if you see this as me playing the "victim", you're caught in the web as well. It's there, yo. Believe me. It's there.

But yeah. Whatever.

I would suggest downloading this song and listening along while reading the words. I don't fully agree with what Ras Kass says, but a lot of it is for the most part, true. I know I've suggested this before, but oh well. Open your mind a little, even if you are offended.

Artist: Ras Kass
Album: Soul On Ice
Song: Nature of the Threat

Let freedom ring with a buckshot, but not just yet
First we need to truly understand the nature of the threat
And a pale man walks in the threshold of darkness
Roughly 20,000 years ago the first humans evolved
with the phenotypical trait, genetic recessive
Blue eyes, blonde hair and white skin
Albinism apparently was a sin to the original man, Africans
So the mutants traveled North of the equator
Called Europeans later, the first race haters
So here's the Devil's alpha to the beta
Cause history's best qualified to teach one
Quoting German philosopher Schopenhauer
"Every white man is a faded or a bleached one"
Migration created further mutation
Genetic drifts, evolution through recombination
Adaptation to the climate
As the Caucus Mountain man reverted to that of a primate
Savage Neanderthals, until the late Paleolithic age
That's when the Black Grimaldi man came
With the symbol of the dragon, fire and art
Check cave paintings in France and Spain to the Venus of Willendorf
Around 2000 B.C. Southern Russians migrate in small units
Those who travel West populated Europe
Those who went East settled in Iran, known as Aryans
1500 B.C. some crossed the Khyber Pass into India and
created Hinduism, the first caste system, the origins of racism
A white dot on the forehead meant elite
The black dot - defeat; untrustable, untouchables
They wrote the holy Vedas in Sanskrit
That's the language that created Greek, German, Latin and English
Now the Minoans around 2000 B.C.
Starts on the island of Crete, in the Agean Sea
The Greek culture begins Western Civilization
But "Western Civilization" means "White Domination"
Myceneans learned from Kemet, called Egypt in Greek
It existed since at least 3000 B.C.
Creatin geometry and astronomy
This knowledge influenced Plato, Socrates and Hippocrates
Cause Imhotep, the real real father of medicine
Was worshiped in Greece and Rome in the form of a Black African
The word Africa comes from the Greek "Aphrike"
meaning "without code"; the word philosophy means "love of knowledge"
Stole from first man, Greek power expands
The first Greek fraternities band
The word gymnasium is Greek for "naked"
This was the place where adolescent boys were educated, and molested
This was accepted because Greek culture was homosexual
For example, Sappho trained girls on the island of Lesbos
Hence, the word lesbian (Ay let these dumb motherfuckers know)
December 25th, the birth of Saturn
A homosexual god, now check the historical pattern
December 25, now thought the birth of Christ
Was Saturnalia, when men got drunk,
fucked each other then beat their wife
Fact is, it was still practiced, til they called it Christmas
So put a gerbil on your Christmas list
The Hellenistic Era, Alexander the Great
Conquers all the way to India leavin four successor states
By the Fifth century B.C., R.O.M.E.
succeeds to be the conqueror of Egypt and Greece
But had the threat of the Black Phoenicians in Sicily
The Punic Wars began 264 B.C.
The Black general Hannibal and Carthaginian Peace
In 146 B.C. Carthage fell after a six-month siege
Rome sold every citizen to slavery
The first genocide of history
And more bisexuality in sight; Julius Caesar was known as
"every woman's husband and every man's wife" (BEOTCH!)
Spartacus Revolt, a slave rebellion that lost
Where 6,000 slaves was nailed on a cross
Cross? Aw, shit! Jesus Christ! Time for some-act-right
Christians get your facts right
Cause Christ was not his name
That's Greek for "One who is anointed"
Yoshua Ben Yosef was his name, do Christians know this?
So who do you praise, do you know his name?
Or do you do this in vain?
Accepting the religion they gave slaves to behave
Peep the description of historian Josephus
"Short, dark, with an underdeveloped beard was Jesus"
He had the Romans fearing revolution
The solution was to take him to court and falsely accuse him
After being murdered by Pilate how can it be
these same white Romans established Christianity
Constantine would later see the cross in a dream
In his vision, it read "En Hawk Signo Wonka":
"In this sign we conquer" - Manifest Destiny
In 325 he convened the Nicean Creed
And separated god into three
Decided Jesus was born on December 25th
and raised then on the third day is a myth
Plus to deceive us
Commissioned Michelangelo to paint white pictures of Jesus
He used his aunt, uncle, and nephew
Subconsciously that affects you
It makes you put white people closer to God
(Yo, 'The Man' got game like a motherfucker!)
True indeed, fuck it, Jihad
In the eight century Muslims conquered
Spain, Portugal and France and controlled it for 700 years
They never mention this in history class
cause o'fays are threatened when you get the real lesson
Moors from Baghdad, Turkey threatened European Christians
Meaning, the white way of life; hence the Crusades for Christ
On November 25th, 1491
Santiago defeats the last Muslim stronghold, Grenada
King Ferdinand gave thanks to God for victory
And the Pope of Rome and declared this date to forever be
A day of "Thanksgiving" for all European Christians

.. Now listen, when you celebrate "Thanksgiving"
What you are actually celebratin
is the proclamation of the Pope of Rome
Who later, in league with Queen Isabella
sent Cardinal Ximenos to Spain
to murder any blacks that resisted Christianity
These Moors, these black men and women
were from Baghdad, Turkey
And today, you eat the turkey, for your "Thanksgiving" day
as the European Powers destroyed the Turkeys
Who were the forefathers of your mothers and fathers
Now fight the power, you bitch-ass niggaz!

Now around this time, Whites started callings us Negroes
That's Spanish for black object meaning we're not really people
but profit, and the triangle trade begins - they seize us
Queen Elizabeth sends the first slaves on a ship named Jesus
Stealin land from the indigenous natives
Gave them alcohol to keep the Red Man intoxicated
Whites claim they had to civilize these pagan animals
But up until 1848 there's documented cases
of whites bein the savage cannibals, eatin Indians
In 1992, it's Jeffery Dahmer
They slaughtered a whole race with guns
Drugs, priests and nuns
1763, the first demonic tactic of biological warfare
As tokens of peace, Sir Jeffery Amherst
passed out clothin and blankets to the Indian community
Infested with small pox, knowin they had no immunity
Today it's AIDS, you best believe it's man made
Cause ain't a damn thing changed.. let me explain
Now since people of color are genetically dominant
and Caucasoids are genetically recessive
and Whites expect to be predominant, meaning survive as a race then
they simply must, take precautions
That's why they're worried about their future now
Cuz by 2050, almost all the Earth's population
will be brown, then black, so understandin that, whites counterreact
(I'm sayin.. man.. them fools
ain't nothin but a teaspoon of milk in the world color majority)
So they created a system
to force blacks into an unnatural position
That re-enforces the position of natural inferiority
In addition, created guns and developed the ethnocentric view
that God justifies every fuckin thing they do
Condition people to perceive whites' culture as civilized
and every other culture considered primitive - not true!
Racism is the system of racial subjugation against nonwhites
in every areas of human relation
Entertainment, education, labor, politics
Law, religion, sex, war and economics
See blacks were 3/5ths of a man with tax purposes intended
You think you're Afro-American?
You're a 14th amendment and a good nigga
Jews don't salute the fuckin swastika
but niggaz pledge allegiance to the flag that accosted ya
They never teach about the break of islands like Jamaica
But before slaves came here whites would take a
pregnant women, hang her from a tree by her toes
Slice her stomach with a knife
and let the unborn baby fall to the flo'
And stop an unborn child in front of all the slaves
to inbreed fear, so they'd be scared and behave
and not rebel more
Understand all whites must be perceived as potential predators
I paraphrase historian Ishakamusa Barashango
"Understand that regardless of the lofty ideas ingraved on paper
in such documents as the Constitution or Declaration
the basic nature.. of the European American white man
remains virtually unchanged".. so check
This is the nature of the threat

Reality TV is a mockery of reality. The fucked up thing is that reality is a joke. It's a farce. Fake. Phony. Similar to how pornos fuck up people's perception of what sex is really like, reality TV has pretty much fucked up our perception of what life is like. "The Real World"? In the real world, we avoid people we don't really like and we pay rent. You want to know what a real "Survivor" is? A single mother with 2 jobs supporting 3 children. And fuck an American Idol. Fuck an American Idol in the ass (Don't get any funny ideas, Clay). Because we need to stop throwing out "idol" as if the mere talent of being able to sing makes you someone to look up to.

Then you have a myriad of reality dating shows. What the fuck happened to the good old days when you could just meet someone through an Internet matching service and elope to Vegas and have a Star Wars themed wedding? But seriously. People do not meet like this. Most people don't meet each other and fuck on the first night. Most people wouldn't stick around for the second half of a horrible date. I had a personal friend that was on Elimidate last year, and he told me that they encouraged him to enbibe alcohol well BEFORE the date even showed up. Hmmm, for some reason, they didn't show all that in in the broadcast. It's hard to believe that these type of things happen in real life all the time, but if it happens on a show over and over again, people start thinking "man, what the fuck am I doing wrong ?". This is obviously bullshit.

"Average Joe"? "The Apprentice"? "The Bachelor"? Will this shit ever stop? Reality TV is now an 18-wheeler with no brakes. But the bullshit does not stop at what we are forced to watch. It is also in the shit we're forced to hear.

Art does no longer imitates life. Life is imitating art in many areas throughout our society. Look at Hip Hop and Hip Hop music. Disenfranchised urban (and in a lot of cases these days, suburban) youth are now emulating who? Disenfranchised youth. These rap artists who are being exploited by the music industry are forced to churn out negativity, hate and misogyny. Where is the wisdom? Where is the leadership? It's non-existent. But let's not blame Rap for negatively influencing our youth, because although artists and record labels do need to take responsibility for their actions (something that will NEVER happen), parents need to start taking responsibility for their fucking inability to raise their children properly.

Is it not common sense that Chingy isn't exactly the best role model in the world? I mean, shit, rappers are not role models. You and I know that shit. But have you see how kids are falling for this shit? I know people who don't vote, but will defend 2pac like he's his son. Shit is kind of twisted. Go to the mall and tell me how many kids you see with a throwback jersey and some Urr Force 1's. For fucks sakes, yo. What' is going on around here? Music is supposed to be the soundtrack of our lives, but I don't' know whose lives some of these muthafuckas are rapping about.

What's fake is fake and what's real is fake as well. Face it. We're taking steps towards a "Brave New World" and most people don't see it.

Word to the man behind Ultrablognetic, not only for taking time to bless this blog with his presence, but for being one of the initial driving forces early in my year long blogging career.

I dangerously flirt with stagnancy. As I stop to smell the roses, sometimes I pull up a chair and rest a little longer than expected. Ya know what I mean? If you stay still long enough, the world around you moves so fast you become entrenched in the illusion that you are still moving. You know that feeling. You're at a stoplight facing uphill and the car next to you begins to slowly inch forward, giving you the false sense of sliding backward in reverse. You quickly apply the brakes even harder, only to realize that the light turned green while you were starring at the couple crossing the street at the adjacent crosswalk.

Shit's been like that lately. With all this new found responsibility living in our new apartment, I stopped to take a good look at where I've come from, where I am, and where I want to be. Unfortunately, I've been stuck in this contemplative rut for the last few weeks, and I need to get off my ass and do something. I've worked pretty hard to get where I am, both scholastically and professionally. At least part of me would like to think so. The other part keeps telling how lazy I am and how slowly I choose to develop.

An older classmate told me the other week that she thinks I'm going to be somebody special. She told me that she sees qualities in me that would make me more successful than I could ever imagine. She cited the ideas I come up with and the amazing way I carry myself at such a young age as proof. I quickly dismissed it because for one, I don't take compliments very well ( a product of my low self-esteem), and secondly, because I 've been secretly telling myself that for the past 24 years of my life. But for the first time, someone other than my mom and myself said something positive about my future in terms of "potential".

But I think "potential" is a tricky term. Fuck it. Potential is a bullshit term. Potential only sets you up to fail. I was always the kid "with potential". In Little League, I was billed as a potential high school and college caliber athlete. So much for that. In high school, I had the potential to be a university scholar. So much for that, too. You never hear of anybody living up to potential. You always hear about the kid who never fulfilled his true potential.

So that's what's motivating me now. I'm tired of being the kid with all the potential. I'm tired of measuring myself against things I'm supposed to do. I'm just going to do it. It sounds corny, I know. But I've spent so much time in my life dwelling on what I've failed to accomplish. I never stopped to think that a lot of these goals are still attainable. We cannot afford to be stagnant in a dynamic world. Some people get stuck in a rut and give up and live their lives asking "What If?" You NEVER hear anybody say "What if I try to do it again?"

Couldn't hurt to try, eh?

Hi. My name is jurk storr malone. Joe was like prolly smoking crack a while back when he sent me an e-mail letting me know to post crap on his blog whenever I wanted. Well little did he know how literally I would take him on both ends of that statement.

One of the things you have to know about me, cuz, shit, I’m like, super famous, like, more famous than that backup dancer on the Pringles commercial, is that I take my fame very seriously. In fact, I’ve got like 30 different agents working on 85 different deals on 7 continents. Literally, in like 3 hours, I have to be on a corporate jet for Doritos to land in Antarctica and do a commercial for skyyy vodka with that really famous penguin from that crappy adam sandler movie. Where he’s with some chick that can’t remember shit from the day before. His name’s koo-koo-bird.

Ok, no it’s not, I totally lied.

Another thing that you should know regarding my fame is that I hate to talk about it. I’m very very very shy in regards to getting recognized in public all the time as a result of my super-famous blogs ultrablognetic & a dog named clipper. I mean, shit, and don’t even get me started on if I’m ever in japan or korea. They go absolutely insane for me over there and one time I even had to escape out the window of a 37th floor hotel room with only a few towels and sheets tied together cuz this porn star wanted to rape me in front of this reality show director. I was like, hell no. I don’t go out like that, nah mean? It’s just not done.

A rule that I always go by for if you want my autograph is you have to send me a letter or telegram at least 5 years in advance. Since I’ve only been famous, well, this famous, or, like, you know, sean penn famous, for like 3 and a half years, I have yet to sign an official autograph. Sure, there are lots of copies of my real name signature, but only like 3 people in the whole negasphere know that, and I sure as hell ain’t telling you. no, I mean, you will not find a copy of a signature reading “kool keith el otro” no matter how hard you look, and if you do, it’s fake, and even if you put in a request today, I’m not starting working on the ones that are 3.5 years old for like another year and a half, and that’ll take me at least 6 months to get through with my schedule.

Oh and just one more thing, I’m the only person in the world besides sofia coppola that knows what bill murray said to that chick at the end of lost in translation.

And I’m not telling. Ok, well, I did tell joe, but he’s been sworn to secrecy. Just know that it involves Ronald mcdonald, and leave it at that. don’t try to guess any further into it, cuz I can already tell you that you’re way off base.

Video killed the radio star...

...and in turn forced music into slow, almost unnoticeable, downturn in quality.

Think about it. There are only a few people on this planet that can become successful in the music industry. They must have the "total package". They must look great, fit into the mold of what is currently popular, and have an ounce of actual talent. It's a sad fact, but absolutely true. The best song writers and the best music producers and the biggest labels all get behind the artist that will sell the most records, not the artist with the most talent.

I think the "talent" portion of the job title "talent scout" should be dropped completely. They aren't out there scouting talented kids. They are looking for the best looking kids. The most marketable kids. Could some of them be actually talented? Of course. You have your Norah Jones' and your Alicia Keys. You have your ?uestloves and Stevie Wonders. There is no denying their talent. But then you see these other artists with marginal talent but a very marketable look and/or image. You know who I'm talking about. The Britneys, the Chingys, and the Fred Dursts of the world. It's a sad thing.

I think we're being robbed of the best music our people have to offer because music is no longer an art. Music is a business. They refer to it as "The Industry" where the dollar rules and talent is merely icing on the cake. The good thing is that people are beginning to see though the bullshit and are turning to the underground. Small clubs and other hole-in-the-wall establishments are seeing an increase of people who are tired of the Top 100 music people like Clearchannel and Viacom are flooding our ears with. I'm personally sick and tired of the radio and haven't listened to the radio on FM for a good 5 years.

Don't get me wrong. Is there good music on the radio? Yes. Could it be better? Oh yeah. Are we getting shut out of a lot of great music? Hell yes.

I was thinking the other night about how a lot of Americans don't' vote. I can't really state the actual statistics, but it's safe to say that there are 3 groups of people who typically vote:

1. The ones that do it because they can.
2. The ones that do it because they want to change the world.
3. The ones that do it because they are fuckin' old and have nothing better to do but fuck up the lives of youger people.

The scary thing about all this is that the percentage of actual voters for each group increase significantly as that list goes down. But that's a different story all together.

So why don't people vote? I honestly think it's because of two things. For one, people have lost complete faith in the voting process. I mean, let's be real here. Dubya didn't even get the majority of votes last election and he still won. That shit is crazy, and quite honestly could make someone just throw their hands in the air and say "fuck it". I know I've been teetering on the edge at times, but I still think my vote counts towards something.

The second reason is completely different and is maybe a testament to the quality of life here in the US. People are simply content with their lives and feel no need to change the status quo. I mean, look at the type of feedback restaurants get. The only time they get feedback on their quality of service is when the service is shitty. If the service is just enough to keep a customer satisfied, they wouldn't hear a single thing. Not a complaint nor praise. So maybe this isn't such a surprise.

There's a lot of things in our country that need to change, but unfortunately a large portion of (voting) Americans are afflicted with indifference. Not so much that they don't care, but because they don't feel the need to care. Millions of Americans have flocked to suburbs and gated communities to feel safe, but in turn have isolated themselves from the world that affects the majority. These are the people who vote. They vote to keep their lives the same. If someone proposes to put a basketball court in their neighborhood, they head to the city council meetings to voice their opinions. Basketball courts = urban, and urban = black. And they can't have that happening in their neighborhood. It would destroy their feelings of being safe. But they see a proposition on the ballot that would cut public school funding to make up for a budget deficit, and they just be happy their kids are in private school. Most of these voters aren't looking out for the good of the country and the people in it. They are voting for themselves to keep their shit safe, not ours.

My last blog was about not being a victim. This sounds like some corny Goonies speech, but I really don't care. This election, we have an opportunity to shape what the world is going to look like in the next 10-20 years. I'm not going to stand around and watch shit change without my having my say, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

Damn, I just stopped to read this and I feel pretty lame. Back to pretending to work.

I fuckin' hate the "victim".

When I'm really bored at work, sometimes I take a look at the newly published blogs on the left side of the Blogger homepage. A lot of them are teeny-bopper-that-strayed-a-little-too-far-from-Xanga websites with a bunch of cool-but oh-so-unnecessary features like a javascript fade-in or 5 different tag boards. A lot of these blogs are also teeny boppers and adults alike complaining about absolutely everything possible. Tell me if these sound familiar:

"Oh my parents are such assholes because I came home late and they grounded me. They are so unfair."

"My job sucks and my boss sucks I don't get paid enough. When will I get what I deserve?"

"I hate my economics professor. He wouldn't let me turn my term paper in late."

"I hate the American Government. That's why I'll never vote."

I read this type of shit everywhere. On message boards, on blogs, etc. Tons of people complain about everything and show little to no effort to either take responsibility for their actions or take action to change the status quo. Most of the time, I see it from kids who blog incessantly about how unfair their parents are, then go on to write about their new car that the same parents just bought. But it's not just kids. Americans everywhere sit on the sidelines and complain about how dumb President Bush is and how he has manipulated the system, but will refuse to show up at their precinct when November rolls around. If it's not one thing, it's another. Responsibility seems to be very slippery for some of these people. I have zero sympathy for these types of self-inflicted "victims".

We as individuals are ultimately responsible for what we do and how we feel about things that happen around us. People need to accept the fact that they have a responsibility to themselves and it is them and only them that can help. They cannot place blame anywhere but on their own shoulders. This victim shit has to go, man. Be proactive. Take some control over your feelings and your life in general.

As if the "Toxic" video wasn't enough to convince you, Britney Spears is too fuckin' much. You know, I'm all for ass and titties, but this shit is too much. Now I can go on a whole tirade on how she is the true American Idol for millions of little girls and how she's feeding to their already oversexed lives. Or, I can go another route and say how she's completely biting Madonna's shock/sex style that defined her career for the better half of the 80's and early 90's. But, I won't do that because that wouldn't get anything done. I decided to leave a few messages on her phone and give that bitch a piece of my mind:

*beep*

Yo Britney, it's me. I saw the pictures of that shit you pulled off at your last show. Come on, now. We all know you're hot. We all know you're sexy. But shit, leave that porno bullshit in the bedroom. You already have guys jacking off to your videos. Do you really need guys jacking off at your shows? Holla back..

*beep*

*beep*

Britney, it's B again. Yo, sorry for the harsh words earlier. I know you should be comfortable with your sexuality. You're a grown ass woman now. It's just sometimes I get jealous. You're not the same anymore. First it was the drinking. Then the smoking. Now it's the random dry humping. I don't know if I can take it anymore. Call me back..

*beep*

*beep*

Brit. It's B. Just caught "Toxic" on MTV for the 3rd time this hour. Needless to say, I have a towel and two socks that smell like bleach now. You need to kill this sexy shit. All my Dungeons & Dragons online friends laugh at me on a daily basis. Not because you don't talk to me but because of all this raunchy porno shit. I've become a joke. Please stop avoiding my calls...

*beep*

*beep*

Okay, fuck it. Britney. You're a ho. Look at you. First you're selling Sketchers and now you're dry humping a gay Tito Ortiz lookin' muthafucka on stage. I've had it. If your career does not cumlinate with you having sex with Vanilla Ice, consider yourself a failure. You are a disgrace to the real sluts of the world. Now eat a dick, bitch.

*beep*

Last week I went over to the local batting cages to take a few hacks. I brought the usual: my 13 dollar bat I felt like I stole of eBay last year, my mismatched Franklin batting gloves, and memories of the many baseball seasons of my past.

I miss it. I can't lie. Early Spring always get me itchy not only for the new pollen in the air, but the oncoming baseball season. I played organized baseball for a good 7 years of my life. It was a huge part of my life and was one of the few things that truly made me happy. I was really good. I mean, I may have not been the most skilled or the strongest, but what I lacked physically I made up for in knowing the game. I was a student of the the game of baseball. One of the best compliments I ever received was from my high school pitching coach. He told me that my decision making skills were far beyond the scope of most high school athletes. Baseball was not only a physical game to me, it was also a cerebral game. The position I played, catcher, allowed me to control the game. My decisions allowed me to control where a pitcher threw the ball. This dictated how the defense would align itself. I was at the helm of the team, but it was rarely acknowledged until my coach handed out that compliment. I missed all that.

But what I really missed is just hanging out with the guys and playing a game. There was nothing like it. Baseball practices around the world start off the same way: playing catch. As simple as catch is, it was must more than just tossing the ball back and forth. We joked, laughed, and gossiped about nothing. Bus rides were the best. My first freestyled rap lines were spit in the back of a bus on a trip back from Napa. Just little things like that make me miss the "Baseball Is Life" time of my high school years.

After I graduated high school, I learned quickly that college level baseball was well above my actual skill level. I never really "quit" the sport, I just stopped due to circumstance. I was a freshman in college with new responsibilities. Looking back, I could have walked on and at least tried out, but I was too scared of rejection. I always excelled at all levels of the sport, and I had finally met my match (so I thought). No need for the humiliation, ya know?

The first Spring without baseball was rough. I'd drive to the UC Davis campus and walk to class. Masochistically, I'd walk by the baseball field and see all the guys warming up. The smell of the freshly cut grass taunted me but I still made the walk every day. Now, years later, the thought of actually playing again is long gone. Now I resort to reliving memories by hitting up the batting cages, take some rusty hacks at the ball, and walk away sweaty and tired. This day at the cages last week brought back some of these feelings when I had a conversation with a guy hitting in the next cage.

As I finished a round of swings, the guy in the next cage asked me, "Who do you play for?"

"Uhh, nobody."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I haven't played organized ball for 7 years."

"Wow. I thought you played still because you really have a nice swing. You should think about playing again.."

The comment floored me. I didn't know what to say. He went on to explain that he played for an adult league. He was a little older than me and he told me to consider joining a league similar to his. Honestly, I haven't really though of playing again. Now all the old feelings are coming back. The excitement of Spring crept its way into my soul and I'm really contemplating training to make a comeback next year. Not to A ball or AA ball. Hell, not even a high or mid level adult league. I just want to go back and play catch. I want to go back on the diamond to smile and have fun. All over again.

We finally got our landline installed. One more week until the DSL comes through. Good news? Maybe. Maybe not.

The last few weeks without the Interent have been great. My wife and I have spent a lot more quality time together, typically having dinner around 10:30, which is about an hour after she gets home from work, and talking. Since I started working back in October, we really haven't had a lot of time to just talk. Most of the time, we'd have a little chit chat before we scrambled to have sex since the combination of her work and school schedule, my work and school shedule, her period, and my son being awake made it difficult for our sliding windows of opportunity to coincide with one another. The combination of no Internet access and our son's more reasonable sleep schedule (10-8 instead of 12-10 when we stayed with my folks) has widened these windows of opportunity for both unadulterated sex and pre and post pillowtalk. I realize now how I was truly missing out on quality time with my wife wasting time playing online poker or chatting with friend I chat with all the time.

DSL comes in exactly 7 days. I'm almost positive that I won't be using it as much as I used to.

I KID YOU NOT......PLAY M.A.S.H.

Thanks Nancy!

If you were to ask my son to tell you a secret, he would lean in close to you and whisper, "Monkeys eat bananas". It's kind of funny if you ask me. But it brings up few interesting points. One of which is that we almost always see stating the obvious as being "funny" or "cute", when in most cases the obvious answer will solve most or your problems. The other interesting point is that most secrets are usually not productive in any manner and we are probably better off just keeping these things to ourselves.

Did that makes sense? It shouldn't have.

These Breakdancers Are Everywhere

Stick Em Up

Steak and Blow Job Day

I haven't been getting much sleep lately. We moved into our new apartment last weekend, and as comfy as it is I have to admit that I haven't' gotten quite comfortable. I'm sleeping in the same bed, but the room is a stranger. My buttchecks have yet to contour to the curvaceousness of the toilet seat. The carpet does feel good on my bare feet, but I am still accustomed to walking gingerly on my tip toes across a cold hardwood floor to make some breakfast in the morning. Shower curtains are a new concept since I've spent most of my life showering next to a closed sliding door.

Some things, though, have completely sucked. For one, we have no phoneline. Apparently, the previous tenants just happen to switch their phone carrier to one other than SBC, my preferred phone company of choice. They also forgot to turn off the service. Since the line is still live, SBC cannot set up a phone line for us. For this past week, we've been dealing with SBC and our landlord in an attempt to get this straightened out. We were told by the complex engineers that the problem would be fixed by this past Saturday, but unfortunately I was unsuccessful because the problem has still not been fixed. That problem lead to MY main issue:

NO INTERNET.

Now, I had DSL at my parent's house for a good part of the last couple years. Without a phone number, I have no way to check if my phoneline has DSL available. On top of that, since the phone is out, we cannot even use dial-up service. I seriously cannot believe I just came to terms with the fact that I will be going back to dial-up. I need a shot or nine of rum....

There are some good changes that I can get used to. Now that my son sleeps in a different room, I can come home and unwind watching tv with the volume up. The expansive walk-in closet provides enough room for my clothes, my wife's clothes, and a gang of our shoes. I do, though, have to admit that I have left about 70% of my closet intact at my parents' house, along with about 30 pairs of shoes. So maybe this "pro" is a little premature. Regardless, we have tons of more space.

But the icing on this cake is our freakin' couch. Our new Durapella micro-fiber couch with an attached chaise is easily the biggest hit with not only my family, but the 15 or so guests we've had come through this past week. I spent a pretty penny on that bad boy, but so far it looks to be worth every penny. I'll take a picture of it eventually.

BTW, spent a lot of quality time with Ryan last weekend. Whatever he tells you about me? Don't believe it. It was 10 dollars.

A few more notes from the mind of the smartest idiot you'll ever know....

Every time I step out of the shower, I look at myself in the mirror and wish I bought my wife a smaller vibrator.

The only reason why people are against Gay marriages is because they are looking at the term "marriage" in the spiritual and religious sense, not the legal. Call it "Legal Unions" and 50% of these people against Gay marriages would shut the fuck up. Last time I checked, our government separates church and state.

Let's face it. There should be penis size restrictions included next to some of these Kama Sutra positions. Some of that Lotus shit makes me feel like I need a bottle of Extenze.

The only real status that matters is the status you hold among the people you love.

I'm not sure if I should attribute the fact that I have never gotten into a fight to my ability to avoid violent situations or my inability to protect myself from any type of violent action.

I don't have big hands, but that's okay. You know why? Because they're perfect for holding my dick.

I wonder if people put as much effort into deciding what local officials to vote for as they do in selecting our Nation's president. My guess is that they don't. Pretty pathetic if you ask me.

Free healthcare sounds like a good idea until people realize how shitty service becomes when you get something for free. Do you see personal shoppers at Goodwill? And if there were, would you take their fashion advice?

I don't think there is any situation more uncomfortable than watching parents beat their children in public. I wouldn't even flinch at people having sex in public, but that child beating shit has to stop.

It blows my mind that commercials for medications that help suppress adult ADD are longer than 10 seconds.

My uncle died when I was in 12th grade, and I was one of the pall bearers. Three of the other 5 pall bearers were friends my uncle met at the local senior center. All of them were in their late 60's, early 70's, Filipino, and veterans of the United States Armed Forces. Although I did not know them personally, their stories most likely very similar to that of my uncle. They probably enlisted in the US Armed forces during World War II and helped fight Japanese soldiers off their invaded home islands. They've probably consumed a generous amount of alcohol and smokes their fair share of cigarettes through the years which has resulted in high blood pressure, respiratory problems, and other major health issues that have aged their physical appearance 10-15 years faster than their chronological age. Years later, they joined their children who earlier immigrated to the United States in search of opportunity and the "American Dream". I know this story may be very familiar to others.

During the few times I saw my uncle interact with these men, I couldn't help but think of these men as people who used to be filled with pride and walked with confidence. They had since then been reduced to joking, arguing, interacting like children. Sometimes they would be drunk, curse constantly, and laugh louder than they probably realized. It irked me sometimes because I was taught to respect your elders, but in their current state there seemed to be nothing to respect. All they could do was hang on to past glories. I didn't have the full picture, but from what I saw bothered me.

I was even more annoyed when I realized what lead to my uncle's death. He was a heavy drinker, and his colon cancer was the result. My dad told me stories about my uncle's days as a "big shot" on the streets of Manila. He described him as a punk. Someone who resorted to violence as the only means of problem solving. Many nights he would drink and smoke far more than any man should. He went on to separate from my auntie, my dad's sister, and have children with another woman. He wasn't exactly a model citizen. I wanted to feel sorry for him being in such bad health, but it was the result of bad decisions. I was met with mixed emotions upon his death.

It wasn't until the day we lay my uncle to rest that I realized everything that I didn't see earlier about my uncle and these men, his friends from the senior center. There was one single moment that moved me and pretty much solidified my my feelings and emotions I have towards my uncle, his friends, and the military in general. As they lowered my uncle down, the three men stood tall and saluted my uncle. In an instant, the three men I saw as drunken, arguing children transformed men that were dignified and men of stature. I was overwhelmed by the amount of dignity and respect these men held for each other. The amount of unconditional respect each of these former solders' hold for each other is virtually unparalleled in American Society. They understand what it is like to put your life in another person's hands and it was then that I realized that I am in no position to pass judgement, not only on these men but on anybody I encounter.

There is no time to dwell on the negative. Celebrate the positives in your life before it's too late.

My damn sister keeps sending me forwards...

25 signs that you've grown up:


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's left overs.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink like I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one.

A recent AIM conversation with Nancy, a friend I've known for about 18 years, brought something to the forefront of my mind that I've touched on a few times on this blog, but I have never really addressed it. Nancy and I share about 3 years of Catholic schooling during our elementary years, and with the start of Lent she asked me what I was giving up for the next "40 days".

nancys screename: are you doing the 40 days 40 nights thing
D0NNIEVEGA: what is this "thing" you speak of?
nancys screename: u know.. giving something up for 40 days
D0NNIEVEGA: oh, damn
D0NNIEVEGA: most likely not
nancys screename: ahh..
D0NNIEVEGA: i haven't done anything lent related in like 7 years
nancys screename: still a good catholic boy
D0NNIEVEGA: and on fridays', i'm eating the fuck out of some steak
nancys screename: lol seriously
D0NNIEVEGA: i'm with chris rock
D0NNIEVEGA: i don't think my diet is going to come into question at the pearly gates

Honestly, I heard on something about this past Wednesday being Ash Wednesday, and being a former catholic school kid, Ash Wednesday was always an event. Not so much because it signified the beginning of Lent, but moreso because it meant I got to walk around all day with black shit on my forehead. But I couldn't help but think about how "un-catholic" I have become.

I used to be very active in the church ministries. Nancy still makes fun of me for being in the church choir those years back. During high school, I was a regular at the 5:30 youth mass and participated frequently as an usher or as part of the choir. I was a full blown Catholic and there was no doubt about it. But as I grew older and experienced many different sects of Christian religion, I couldn't help but notice the over abundance of self-righteous fingerpointing between Catholics and Protestants, Christians and Muslims, etc. It made me sick. Hell, it makes me sick. Everybody is caught up in who's method of worship is the "right" way, but they never stop to think that maybe the "right way" is different for every person. I mean, people think you have to go to church every Sunday to live your life right, but I haven't been to church for the most part of the last six years.

I can't say that I stopped going to church because I hated church. When I do make an very rare appearance at my church, I can admit that I like the spiritual feeling I get while praying. But it bothers me how some people can live their lives without being very spiritual and come to church every Sunday because they "have to". I stopped going to church at first because I was always working on Sundays. Now, church doesn't even cross my mind when it's Sunday. I've shaken the habit that I gained from going to church every Sunday of my life until just after I graduated high school. My mom is always telling me I should go to church, but I can't do it. It's not that I hate Catholicism or Christianity, because I do believe in one God and Jesus Christ. I just don't think that there is a set path to walk . I feel that I am very spiritual and that God rewards good deeds and punishes bad deeds. If i spend 5 minutes everyday thankful for what God has given me, that is more than any paper Catholic that shows up every Sunday because of said "habit".

I mean, there are times in church where I will almost cry because I get so caught up in it. It's like opening up your soul and and having it cleansed. Unfortunately, I'd say a good 50% of people in church come in a Pavlovian manner, and pray as soon as they hear a bell ring. I was one of those people for a long time. But I can't say I'm any better than any of these people, because I'm not. My life is far from perfect and I think a few extra visits to church may keep me in check. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I firmly believe that God is more happy that you pray everyday or at least even acknowledge His existence in your everyday life rather than going to church every Sunday. I mean shit, Lent is great and all, but why the fuck is 40 days more important than any other time of the year. Spirituality is ongoing, not an event. I've had people I KNOW that were living fault lives but had the nerve to get at me because I was eating meat on a Friday during Lent. Shit is kinda fucked up, ya know?

So, with all that said, church isn't for everybody. Christianity isn't for everybody. Spirituality and a belief in a greater good IS for everybody. I think a lot of people miss that point when it comes to organized religion. The thing is, religion doesn't have to be organized in a church or a mosque for it to be effective. It has to be organized in your heart and your soul.

"...tunnelvision,
warped illusion,
the chatterbox is our seclusion
from productivity,
we're gettin' too involved
what you hear is what you see..." - Group Therapy's "Chatterbox"

My dad likes to leave the TV on Fox news when he's sitting in the kitchen nook looking over bills or while working on somebody's taxes. I have to admit that up until two years ago when I watched Michael Moore's "Bowling For Columbine", I never really thought about how much our news media feeds us a steady stream of complete bullshit. I was always skeptical of the validity of television and the media, but I never could put my finger on what made it seem so shady. With this newly tuned ear, I can't help but notice how news channels like FoxNews, MSNBC, etc. focus on only a handful of actual news stories and beat them to absolute death. Recently it's been like this: "Laci Peterson...blah blah blah...War on Terror...blah blah blah....Gay Marriage...blah blah blah...Kerry vs. Bush...blah blah blah...Mel Gibson and "The Passion"...blah blah blah". Whatever, ya know? Now I hear that there are "terror" drills being held in major cities across the nation because of an increased risk of terror attacks.

Right.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand that there is a little truth sprinkled here and there. I also believe that television does have value in many of our lives. But there comes a time when you have to stand up ask why we live in a world that seems so negative. Why is there so much hate? Why is there war? Crime? Violence? Our world is painted on the television screen as something that is not. At least not to me. I wake up everyday and see the innocence in my son's eyes and I can't believe all this shit on TV.

There is definitely something wrong here, and I don't think there are as many bad people as some people want us to believe. I truly believe that we as humans are innately good natured and that there is a perpetuation of fear spread to the masses by the media. We are being scared into consuming to attain status. (If you don't buy this H2 SUV, you will not be cool) We are being scared into acting a certain way. We are scared into consuming items that will "prepare us for the worst" ("stock up on duct tape?". We are scared to the point that we yell, hurt, and murder over absolutely nothing. I wish that instead of all the stories about killing and hurting and just plain evil in the world, that the news media could do a story involving a child's innocence and genuine kindness that we all have in our hearts whether we know it or not. Why aren't the "Good Samaritan" stories we have on our local news stations covered by national news shows? It's probably because since "it doesn't bleed, it doesn't lead". Plus, it wouldn't be lucrative.

TV is good for some things. But in my opinion, it's bad for most. Chatterbox, indeed.

"Gift Wrap" by Living Legends

[Chorus: The Grouch]
I'm about to give you that I love hip-hop feeling
I'm about to give it to you
I said I'm about to give you that I love hip-hop feeling
I'm about to give it to ya (repeat)

[The Grouch]
The same one I had when I first bumped Tribe
Or the vibe that you felt taking that Bizarre Ride
I'm gonna put it in the mix for your own ears to hear
I was a young buck then and feel I've got a lot of years to go
I'm from the O, I felt it through $hort to Hiero
Had my Walkman on everywhere that I'd travel
I'd always babble and quote what other people wrote
Use it as a theme or rule and that was cool for me
Worked it like a tool for me
They thought I was a fool to be
White and writing raps
They thought that I was acting
But I was just stacking up my skill being real
Feeling how I feel and expressin' how I'm stressin'
Now it's my profession and I'm wanting y'all to know
The love that I've got for this hip-hop only grows.

[Chorus]

[PSC]
The best that we can's better than a lot of them
When I meet a Legends fan it's just like another friend
It's the feeling that we give
The music that we live
Negative positive, how you live how you live
Positive memory of what you see, I try to give and be
Inspiration for those who try to come after them or we
Bass lines that pull you in from outside
Or inside or online, when we rhyme it's funtime!
Hands up, stand up, watch me deliver
With delivery and presence, surpassing your ability
Tranquility is silence when violence dominates
If you're the murderers why would I buy the tape?
Self incrimination, self destruction to the nation
Fascination with this death? Oh my I'm losing patience
I got into this music cause I feel y'all listening to radio
Damn they tryin' 2 kill y'all

[Chorus]

[Aesop]
I remember the first time I heard a dope ass rhyme
Yes a fresh ass verse
Or the first time on this earth
I had this thirst
To give it to ya like birth
A piece of my soul more precious than gold
I'm in the crowd man
I'm not too old to give it up
If it's tight I can get wit it
Rush to the store and go get it
Bump it if it's slumpin', hope the lyric's sayin' somethin'
Intellectual, make the beat sound so flexible
I give it to ya like a piece of my mind
Give breath over this beat with mic control refined
Give ya substance when you have nothin' to hold
You can feel this like you're in the front row!!!

[Chorus]

[Murs]
It's like oooo weee
You'd be a fool not to feel this beat knocking out your trunk
Like Mike Tyson with a steel fist
While most of these MCs was out on a field trip
My crew stayed in the lab
See we never had permission to slip
My mission to rip every mic that I'm on
Rap niggas being nice
But I remember last year
They wasn't liking my song
Now I got a couple fans
I'm making cool hits like ice in a bong
Got their bitch on my dick
She looks nice in a thong
And I'm about to give her that
"I love this cock feeling"
And that may be fucked up
But I'm right when I'm wrong
That's don't get along with funny style rap chaps
Who lack the same feeling
That I had way back and still keep to this day
When I used to stay up late just to dub Tech and Sway
But now I got my own wax and I can't get no play?

Notes from the mind of borderline psycho...

I've been to a ton of kiddy parties in my life, but not once have I ever seen the "pinata" portion of the party end without anybody crying.

Mr. Miyagi should have parlayed his healing powers into some sort of 1-800 line. Either that or he should have looked into televangelism. Either way, Hillary Swank could have kicked the shit out of Ralph Macchio.

Do NOT tell anybody what you plan on naming your unborn child unless you like telling people "Well, my kid is older..."

When I come into some money, it's not so much a nominal value of how much I'm worth. It's more of a countdown to me being broke.

I look back to back 10 years ago and I marvel at how clueless I was at the time. People in their 30's tell me that they feel the same way about when they were my age. It makes you realize why old people are so fuckin' ornery. They know more than ever and they're sitting in a pile of their own shit.

After years of masturbating I still can't seem to shake the guilt associated with it, especially when my wife catches me.

The other day I couldn't help but notice how fucked up my toes are. I swear, I'm like two kernels away from a cob down there.

Way too many people are getting married because they are finacially secure. I think people should be required to be broke before they get married. That way they can work out the personality conflicts and what not. Money can give you a false sense of security. Love can give you the false sense of uncertainty.

I'm an advocate for gun control, but I wish these people would stop shooting kids and start shooting people more worthwhile, like themselves.

You know, I was under the impression that anti-spam software was supposed to stop Spam. Silly me.

If Ferris was really an asshole, he would have just let Cameron die in the pool.

I am one of about 15 people that can admit they saw about 25 minutes of Gerard Depardieu's "My Father The Hero" in a movie theatre.

I don't care how hot Halle Berry looked as Storm. If they don't put Psylocke in the next X-Men movie, they are seriously dropping the ball.

Pornos are a bad influence. They have tricked me into believing that the best place for semen is either on a woman's face, chest, or foot.

I haven't taken a shower with my wife in a long time, so you know my back is REALLY dirty.

Last week I realized that I haven't made my monthly visit to Tony Pierce's blog, so I stopped by and read that Moxie posted a picture of herself with Tony. I take a look at the comments to find that someone said something like, "Look the King and Queen of Blogs together" and I swear to you I almost fuckin' vomitted. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm relatively new and still don't understand why people would hand out such credentials. Forgive me, but I just didn't see it. What the fuck makes their blogs so good? Hit count? Comments? I mean shit, you'd think all that would get to someone's head. You think Tony is bald for nothing?

Bitter? Not really. I can see the appeal of these popular sites. Hell, it's enough to keep me visiting every now and then. A lot of it, especially Tony's, is VERY entertaining. I guess I've always felt that a lot of the more popular blogs are written as if they knew they were being read by hundreds, if not thousands of people a day. Those are the types of blogs that I avoid, simply because if I wanted to read ego-laced literature, I'd read the sports section of my local newspaper. On top of that, at least in the newspaper the topics of discussion would keep me up on the latest and greatest.

I read blogs like Sahalie, probably the most talented writer I've read since I've started blogging. Her words literally paint pictures in my imagination that are so vivid I swear they are tangible. Her mastery of diction is seemingling effortless. The sweetest thing about Sahalie? It all seems 100% geniune. I like reading blogs that I know would be exactly as they are if they knew no one was reading it. You know, the kind that would be in a notebook stashed under a mattress or scribbled on a pad hidden under the phonebook and a few unpaid bills.

But, I can't lie. I know my blog will never appeal to the masses because I write knowing that people that know me more than just a screen name will read it. If you don't "get it", it was never for you to begin with. My wife reads my blog. A lot of my close friends read it, so everything you read has to be 100% authentic or else I'd get checked by one of the 5 people that actually read this.

So, "What is the criteria for a good blog?" is basically what I'm asking. The night I realized that I've been blogging for a year, I took a look though my archives. Just reading through what I have wrote in the past year made all the effort worth it. I wrote all this shit for me. Nobody else. I realized that I am the ultimate benefactor of all this writing. So, after all that I realized that it really doesn't matter what I think about Tony Pierce, or Moxie, or anybody for that matter. Their blog is strictly for them, and no one else. What their readers have to say about them is well out of their control. I am in no position to assume who or what they were written for, because they, nor anyone else is in any position to speak on my motives.

So, after all that, lesson learned. Handle you and yours.

Holy shit. It's been a year to the day that I started blogging and I still don't think anybody reads this shit.

So do me a favor. Check out my archives and find a post you like. Let's vote for Joe's favorite post of the year.

I'm a little too lazy to blog, but here are a few things I've written on message boards around the 'net.

In response to popular trends:

"People put status over style. Throwbacks became a status symbol in our high schools and in our malls. Before that it was Starter parkas and Guess Jeans. Now we have Purple Lable and Von Dutch hats. Now they want to take it to the next level and make status nearly unattainable.

In an attempt to be "different" they fade into the crowd.

Take offense if you want. I dont' care. The fact is that society has brainwashed people into perpetual consumption in their chase for status. Check yourself. "

In response to some good ol' Christian self-righteous fingerpointing:

"I just think it's funny how people will ask you to open your mind and listen to what their saying but refuse to reciprocate.

There is no way you'll teach anybody by saying "You are wrong and we are right", as if you are pontificating from the shoulders of God Himself.

I am very comfortable with my Christian faith, but I have no problem with people who are "in the dark" as someone stated in this thread. I choose to understand the beauty of God and am willing to accept the fact that he takes many forms in order to touch the lives of more people.

Don't fall into the trap that is self-righteous finger pointing. Handle you and yours. Your false sense of righteousness may be your sinful pride in disguise."

Same thread, further along in the discussion:
"I choose to be inclusive with the belief that it is not necessary to believe in Jesus Christ nor be of the Christian faith to live your life as a good person, just as long as you believe that there is a greater good.

I had an experience in my life that made me realize that the people who point fingers the most sometimes fail to walk the path they set for themselves.

At a Christian(Methodist) camp, I was told that I was going to hell because I was Catholic. It baffled me because regardless of how genuine a person I was, or how much I strived to walk the path of God, something as little as a label was enough for someone to condemn me as a sinner.

I'm seeing a lot of that in here. There is a lot of fingerpointing and a complete disregard for the human element. Faith is not black and white. Sprituality is not black and white. There are so many rules and rules of conduct that different religions use to differentiate themselves. I really don't think that by me not going to church every Sunday that I'm going to hell. I eat pork because I seriously doubt that my diet is going to be in question at the Pearly Gates.

The only reason why there are so many different religious is because of little disagreements through out history. People have died over these beliefs. People have killed over these beliefs. It has become more about how you worship instead of just worshipping. But in reality, it doesn't matter what you believe in but THAT YOU BELIEVE."

Dictator or Television Sitcom Character

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That, my friends, is the best thing ever.

True happiness is finally getting your son to pee in his potty.

Time Killers

Poor Penguin

Duck Hunt NES style

Capture The Crown (This one is HARD. Make sure you check out the strategy guide.)

This monologue just a little taste of the great Kevin Smith's writing. The many religious themes that "Dogma" has throughout the movie kind of show the little insecurities and concerns that Kevin Smith has had growing up Catholic. It hit me pretty hard when I first heard it because I am a person that in the past was deep into my Catholicism, but have recently lost touch with my spirituality. To me, this excerpt is probably the most moving scene of this movie.

Just for background, Bartleby (Ben Affleck) and Loki (Matt Damon) are two renegade angels that were kicked out of Heaven for turning their backs on God.

Bartleby:

In the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God. And then He created the humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship, bowing and scraping and adoration. But He gave the them more than he ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They can choose to ignore God, choose to acknowledge Him. All this time we've
been down here, everyday I felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it's pained me... as I'm sure it must have pained you. But we feel his absence, and why? Because of the way He made us, as servants. Had we been given free will, we could ignore the pain... like they do, but NO! We're servants.

Loki:

You know, all I'm saying is that one of us might need a nap.

Bartleby:

Wake up!! These humans have besmirched everything that was bestowed upon them. They were given paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists. And in spite of it all he has showed them infinite fuckin' patience at every turn.

The highlight of my day yesterday was laying in bed as I was trying to take a nap before work. I was going over the sounds each letter of the alphabet makes and laughing at fart noises with my son.

I don't really pay attention to national politics. When I vote, it is typically because I am motivated to change things that affect me directly such as state propositions, county bonds and city officials. But there have been a few things that have popped up in the past few weeks in our national arena that have just validated my decision to no involve myself in such things.

Issue #1 - Howard Dean goes all pro-wrestling crazy on us.

After being shown as leading in New Hampshire polls pre-election, Howard Dean gives a very emotional speech to his supporters that sounded more like Hulk Hogan than Bill Clinton. Many saw this outburst as "damaging" and "uncalled for" resulting in a loss of votes and second place in the New Hampshire primaries. Now there's all this talk that he basically ruined his chances as being the Democratic Party's representative at this years presidential election.

What bothers the fuck out of me is that I saw clips of his little crazy man speech on television, and quite honestly it made me like the guy even more. Other than Bill Clinton's frustrated, red-faced, sex scandal testimony, I have never personally seen a politician be so uninhibited of his emotions. We saw a real man yelling like his horse won the Bellmont Stakes. It was an honest moment. Unfortunately, it may be the only honest moment we'll see during this election campaign. They are now saying that he might as well drop out of this election since he ruined his chances by letting down his guard and being honest with his supporters. Something's wrong, yo.

Issue #2 - "We need these candidates to drop out of the election and get behind someone that can beat George W. Bush."

I heard this today on tv as I was on the computer. It bothered me so much I spun around in my chair to see who the moron was that said it. I guess I don't like this whole "Lesser Of Two Evils" thing that we have to deal with. I seriously think there should be imposed limits on the amount a presidential hopeful can spend on their campaigns. It would give people the opportunity to run who are ACTUALLY QUALIFIED to run a country. When I heard that statement today, it put into perspective what we're really doing when we elect officials. Bi-partisanship has fucked our government up, especially at the presidential level.

Now, I'm admittedly probably the least informed person when it comes to politics. It's a sad thing too, that I know a lot of people hold the same indifference I have or are even disgusted with the process, therefore they shut it out. How do you deal with a bureaucracy? Sometimes a bureaucratic system takes as long as it took to be implemented to be removed. It's all messed up. The American voting system is fucked up. What is important is not important and vice versa. Superficiality is something we expect from those who buy into pop culture, not voters. Unfortunately, it's evident in both cases.

So what do we do?

Props to Melissa for the guest appearance. I call her "Ms. Granite" because she rocks. Her guest appearance was the product of a late night/earling morning AIM conversation that went something like this:

Me: Damn, I suck.
Her: No you don't.
Me: Oh. Maybe I don't suck.

We came to the conclusion that I have a lot of repressed feelings. Honestly, the thought of repressed feelings never crossed my mind until she brought it up. I considered this type of shit "artsy fartsy", far from anything I wanted to be a part of. I mean, I never saw myself as creative. I don't do creativity. I never have. Draw? Shit, i can't even color properly. Write? Well, I am admittedly getting better. But writing is not my ideal choice of expression. So where does that leave me? I don't even know.

Life has been moving pretty fast lately. I'm married to a beautiful woman with a beautiful son. I have finally taken steps forward in my career. I've been pretty fuckin' happy, to be quite honest. But I don't think I've stopped to smell the roses. I don't think I've taken the time to fully express my feelings. You ever just cry for the first time in a long time? When you're done crying, you feel really good, as if you needed to release days, months, or even years of anger and frustration. Well, that applies to your negative emotions, right?

So, what do you do with repressed happiness? Share it.

Be happy folks. When all seems lost or when life seems stagnant, find happiness in the small things like finding a dollar in the dryer or receiving a smile from an attractive stranger. I surf though blogs and I have to admit that people bitch way too much (including myself). Stop and take a look at the good things in life. If you're having trouble finding anything, come give me a holler. Call yourself a "measuring stick" because you rule!

stray bullet gospel

Lemme tell ya how it really is.....THIS is the dope truth....I said to Joe 'Drink 45 cups of coffee and close your eyes and blog'....write that shit out, paint it out, make time for it, nurture it, use the tools you have on hand, use MS Paint it's the cheapest canvas out there, what you don't express gets repressed and anything repressed long enough gets expressed in inappropiate ways so ya gotta get shit out of your system, but in ways you've never done it before. Never be idle. If ya gotta sit, sit and read. Intospect. Use time or it will use you. Every second has potential, don't miss it, it's golden. Not inspired? Look for inspiration. Jean-Michel is my muse, who is yours? Don't have one? Get one. I said I was the water, but I'm not the water. The water is the message and it's screaming your name Joe. Life is here, right now. Life is in your face, it's a madman in a flood of power with no direction. Direct it, mold it, get dirty, get some life under your fingernails, you'll love it, you'll get addicted and that's the best part. You said 'Hopfully one day the floodgates will open', I say hope is a drug and one you don't need. You need an outlet, and the outlets are everywhere, just plug in. I tell you this now, so you won't forget the moment you woke up and lived.
Later.
/stray bullet gospel

I can't lie. I'd want to be there with you. Having fun. Making music. Sharing the love. I can be envious sometimes. Hell, it's what I've always wanted to do. But I have responsibilities now. I have things that I need to take care of. Life is different for both of us, and I think it's time we acknowledge it. I think our path split years ago, way before we even knew what we were going to do with our lives. I talk about how much I've been down throughout the years, but honestly you and I know that I'm not around as much as I used to. But you have to admit. You've changed. And not necessarily in a good way.

When I'm in my car, I still put you on and nod my head. I recite the words. This shit bangs. But I think I've become picky. Some of your work doesn't impress me. Actually, sometimes I feel like I need to shut the radio off. It's that bad. I think you forgot how you grew up and all the growing pains you went through. Some people pop up every now and remind you to stay on course. I know that deep down you stay true to your roots. But you continue to put on a facade. Why? I cant' stand it. I know you like I know the back of my hand, or like I know the words to "Humpty Dance". I've studied you. I've put you on my wall and stared at you, not like a fan, but as a friend. I respected what you stood for. You were everything I was and everything I wanted to be: free, uninhibited and honest. You were raw and uncut. On top of that, you gave me a voice in this world when no one was looking out for me.

This isn't goodbye. This is an acknowledgement of a change. You've changed. I've changed. We've changed. You'll see me around. I'll still be down if you want to kick it or if you have a show here and there. But I can't say that I'll be there when you need me. You've done so much for me but I don't think I can trust you. Maybe one day you'll be back and better than ever, but you have a lot of work to do. You'll be fine without me for now, but when all your success is over, you'll know the importance of our relationship.

Thanks.

I chat with Ultrablognetic, Muscle68 and Lil Mija on AIM regularly.

There are some of you who I don't chat with.

Let's change that.

d0nnievega (that's a zero not an O).

Hit me up. I need more friends.

I spend a good deal of my time online and to be quite honest with you it disgusts me.

I remember to way back in high school. My girlfriend used to sweat me all the time because I spent so much time online and not talking to her. She was always worried that I'd find an Internet girlfriend and leave her. Her paranoia led her to check my email all the time just to see what I've been doing. Crazy shit, yo. But the Internet was new to me way back then. She couldn't blame me for the countless hours spent hogging the house phone line.

You know, way back in the days of dial-up. Back in the days of having one phone line? Remember those days? When chat rooms were fun and searching for Internet pornography didn't even cross your mind. Remember counting how many free hours left you had on AOL before they started charging you? Or how about when you had less than 10 people on your buddy list? The Internet was so fuckin' new back then. I can't lie, I used to chat with random girls and ask for their "pic". I used to answer "A/S/L? with "M/Yes/In Your Ass".

The Internet was made for people like me. I didnt' have much game with the ladies in real life. I mean, don't get me wrong. The girls came to me. But as far as approaching girls, I wasn't the best pitch man. The Internet solved this problem for me, as well as millions of other guys like myself and all dorks around the world.

So now I find myself latched on to the 'Net. These days, obviously, its not for the women (but admittedly sometimes the porn) but the friends. The World Wide Web has made the world tiny, and now that tiny world is littered with people I can consider my friends. My mindless uninhibited bullshit can reach millions now.

I've met my fair share of "Internet Friends" in person. The total is literally nearing triple digits. My infatuation with shoes has connected me with hundreds of footwear fanatics around the world, many of which have helped me with deals or hooked it up exclusive information. This whole blog thing has kept me connected to many who don't necessarily have the time to stop by and find out how I'm doing. So, I guess after second thought, maybe the Internet isn't so bad. Sure it takes away from some productivity at work or keeps me away from certain responsibilities at home, but I can't honestly say that I'm always wasting my time.

Word.

The other night my wife and I were cleaning up in the kitchen after we had dinner. She was washing the dishes and I was getting ready to take the garbage out while my 3-year-old son was playing in the family room. He came over to us in the kitchen asking us to play with him, but I cut him off telling him, "We're cleaning right now. We'll play with you when we're done, okay?" He walked back disappointed and I continued out the open sliding back door. I tossed the garbage in the can and came back. I noticed my son wasn't downstairs anymore so I sat in front of the computerto get in one more puzzle game at Candystand.com. When my wife finished up washing the dishes, she came and sat on my lap. I noticed that my son had gone upstairs because the light from the bathroom softly inluminated the dark hallway. Also, the faucet in the bathroom was running at full blast. I asked my wife to go check on our son to see what he was up to.

After waiting for about 2 minutes, my wife came back downstairs smiling.

"What was he doing?", I asked.

She told me that she got to the bathroom and my son was holding a wet rag, scrubbing the bathroom counter. She asked him what he was doing and he said, "Helping you and my daddy clean."

My sister forwarded me this:

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.


3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."


4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.


5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had
an argument going.


6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.


7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they
notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.


8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.


10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?


11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.


14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?


15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: You're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.




NEW TWISTS TO OLD MEANINGS

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines

2004 is in full effect, and the more things change the more things stay the same. I have a 5 page paper due tomorrow and just like 2003, I'm procrastinating. I got on the scale today and it read "242", which is pretty much my average weight all of last year. I woke up this morning with a list of things to do, and look at me. I'm online and typing on my blog rather than cleaning up the bathroom that right now is the cemetary for about a thousand ants that decided that the last Winter rain storm was a little to harsh to stay outside. Those ants felt my wrath for sure.

I did get something done. I did a load of towels that seem to accumulate rather quickly. I grew up using a towel only once and throwing in in the hamper. My wife gets about 2 uses out one towel before she gives up on it. Between her, my son and myself, I'd say we go through about 16 towels a week which necessitates a weekly washing. Funny thing about this load of laundry? It's been sitting in the dryer for about 2 hours. Oh well, I'll get it eventually.

This morning I woke up and bought myself and 7 other friends tickets to see Mitch Hedberg at the Punchline in San Francisco. I ended up spending a total of 220 duckets, which is a little more than I expected since one of my friends failed to tell me about the 7 dollar service charge for each ticket. Looks like 7 people are buying me drinks that night. I personally can't wait to go. I just like being out on the town these days. I've been locked up at work during the weekends when most nightly activities take place, so this is something I can look forward to.

We watched video from our October Las Vegas trip last night at our yearly post-Christmas gift exchange. It was potluck so we all had our fill before watching the most embarrassing tapes of my life. For one, I realized that I'm way fatter than I think I am. Secondly, being drunk makes me talk loudly and curse uncontrollably. Okay, maybe I'm not exactly much different than anyone else, but there should be a rule about documenting such events, particularly with video tape.

With that said, have a great 2004. We always choose the "New Year" to have new beginnings and to start off fresh, but try to make deliberate steps to improve yourself throughout the year so you don't get caught in the anticipation for a new year. Life is too short to be fuckin' around like that.

Avert the whores in 2004.