Friday, July 20, 2007

You know what i really don't like?

When strippers spank themselves. Like, in the whole realm of fantasy where I'm getting off on a girl grinding against me (and this is a girl that really just wants my moneyand has no interest in me whatsoever otherwise), I'm not really believing that somehow a self-spanking is hot or remotely erotic.

It's kind of like watching pornos with girls sucking on dildos, acting like it's getting them off.

I'm thinking, "Fuck, I mean this is fake and all...but that shit is HELLA unrealistic..."

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The ultimate mind-fuck behind feeling betrayed is the fact that deep down inside you still care for the person that betrayed you.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

You probably don't know it, but you're the person that drew me to baseball.

You're the reason why I went on to play baseball.

You're the reason why I love baseball.

And last Tuesday I had the opportunity to finally give thanks.

I kind of feel like you left on odd terms. It seemed incomplete and unfinished.

I know I was only to be there in person to cheer you on a handful of times in my life, but rest assured I did everything I could to hop on KNBR 680 and catch every pitch, every picture perfect swing, and that intense glare.

What does Kruk call it? The "Nuschler".

As you walked from the right field fence towards the outfield, I cheered as loud as I could. I wanted to let you know that I remembered everything about your game and everything you did for not only the Giants as a team, but us fans. Then I stopped to listen. The cheers became louder and louder and more intense than anything we heard all day. It was as if not only me, but everyone in the stadium felt that way at that very moment.

I had to fight back tears, partially because it was such a touching moment, but mostly because I felt what previously seemed "incomplete" was finally laid to rest. It's been just over 20 years since I first saw you play and you still make me feel like a 7 year old kid, anticipating the first pitch of the game.

It's the same feeling I get before every Giants baseball game I watch.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I don't think I'm going to my 10 year high school reunion this year.

I'm not exactly sure what soured me to the idea of attending.

It may have stemmed from a conversation I had with a friend regarding a classmate that held some sort of grudge against me because of a picture I posted on the Internet 9 years ago. And it wasn't even a picture of someone giving a blowjob or showing their titties. I honestly don't even know what the picture was actually of and I'm pretty sure the picture was rather pedestrian in nature. I just know that she was still holding on to that well over 8 years after the fact.

It also may stem from the fact that I'm not really out of touch with people I care about seeing again. I still see and communicate with people I feel like keeping in touch with. My circle of friends today is wound pretty tight, and only a few of my friends from high school have managed to stick around. There are also those that I don't necessarily consider within my tight circle of friends, but are still other people I respect ande trust with just about anything. And with the advent of websites like MySpace and Friendster, most of these people are just a click away.

I've really tried to give everybody a clean slate since I've seen them in high school. It's really unfair to hold people accountable for things they did back then. Admittedly, I went through a good portion of the last 10 years holding on to some, if not all of these perceptions and assumptions. But I have reached a point where I can take people for what they are now as opposed to what they were or what I perceived them to be.

But some things never change, and a lot of the feelings I experienced in high school come back with a vengence when I think about being around a lot of these people who would most likely be in attendance. Don't get me wrong. I really enjoyed high school. But even though I eventually became rather popular and was extremely invovled in many school fuctions and athletics, I never really"fit in". And now that I think about it, that's probably why my currently circle of friends consists of people from different schools in different cities, some of whom actually have their own little circle of friends as well.

Ah. Whatever. Maybe I'll just play it by ear at this point. I guess I've just convinced myself that maybe showing up wouldn't be so bad. It'll force me to just get the fuck over it already.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The 15 of us filed out of the room into the hallway.

I sat on a kneehigh bench with my elbows on my knees and my hands on my face, slowly massaging my forehead. I truly was having issues with what I had just heard in the other room. I looked around and saw that my shock was accompanied by the shock of others. Judging by the looks on the faces of the people around me, they were in just as much disbelief, if not completely distraught. Two, if not several of the women were near tears with one woman still wiping tears rather aggressively from under her eyes. I buried my fear and confusion in my palms, then stared down at the floor, stopping briefly to recognize the white floor with speckles, then almost completely zoning out into a blur.

Not a single one of us said a word. It was as if we each suffered a minor car crash. After the initial shock, you try to pull information together to realize what just happened. You take a mental inventory of how you feel about the situation. Then, you finally have the ability to actually react to what just happened.

The first couple steps of that process took a lot longer than one would expect. And even when I finally felt comfortable enough to say anything, I still kept to myself, remaining sensitive to the people around me that may not have recovered as quickly as I did.

This was definitely something I had not expected.

And I've been thinking about it all day and every day since.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

As I sat there starring across the courtroom, I was consciously trying not to look at him in the eyes.

I know you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover under any circumstance. Doing so sets you up for disappointment and embarrassment. Plus, there is a greater prize at stake here: Justice. But for some reason I felt compelled to at least get a good glance. Regardless of how open-minded we may think we are, the first impression you get from any single person you see plays a rather powerful role in how you perceive him or her.

I don't want to overstate my importance in this situation. In the grand scheme of things, my judgement may be insignificant. And in that fact I am somewhat relieved.

We are being asked to be objective, something of which I believe I am capable. But there's definitely a human aspect to this that is hard to supress. I am being asked to not involve my personal emotions to allow myself to be objective.

That's a promise I can't make.

Monday, February 05, 2007

To say that I'm not used to working in high stress situations would be pretty accurate.

I've been in high stress situations in their workplace. I think most people have. But I've never been in a position where I am under the constant thumb of stress.

I like to believe I'm a competitive person. I think that being competitive is part of being successful and good at what you do. So the competitive side of me tells me to "man up" and deal with the stress. Bowing down to to it is only a sign of weakness and vulnerability. Right?

Well, recently I've been feeling pretty burned by the stress at my job. And it's not necessarily that my job is difficult or hard, or that I have deadlines that I can't meet. I the stress is just constant. It's always there. I'm always worrying about something, and if I'm not worrying about something work related I feel like I'm not doing my job by not carrying the load.

I talk to the other guys I work, and when we're at the office they don't seem to be having as much of an issue dealing with the demands of our job. But I see how my work-related stress has affected my personal life. I've been more tired than usual and find myself easily frustrated by my friends and family. It sucks. I never really noticed how this as affected my life outside of the office.

I'm not too happy about all this. At all.

But I'm in an interesting position where I'm learning more than I ever would anywhere else. It's definitely within my grasp to find a job that is closer to home and actually pays more, but those jobs aren't exactly jobs that will allow me to move up to bigger and better things. Experience is key in my field. I feel fortunate that I was promoted to this new position that I'm working. The more time I spend just being a student of the game will allow me to kick back later in life. So just maybe the quality of life I seek is indeed a possibility, but I have to sacrifice to make an investment on the future.

The real world sucks like that. Kids, if you're reading this: Stay In School.