Thursday, July 22, 2004

Sometimes I wish I could take some Tabasco and spice up the diction it create. Being literal isn't exactly what you'd call fun. More like fundamental, ya know? We are fascinated and impressed by those than can express things differently and creatively. A unique method of expression is interesting, entertaining, and enjoyable. On the other hand, the plain and bland is looked upon as inferior and boring.

Who wants to be that guy?

The guy that tells it exactly how it is? The guy that doesn't sugar-coat his verbal razors with euphemisms? Nope. No one. No one wants to be that guy.

Everybody wants to be colorful. It you don't stand out, you're not interesting, right? People gravitate to those that stick out from the rest. Maybe a blog writer that has a different way with words. Maybe the popular kid at school that dressed with the newest and most expensive clothes? There are so many external things that make people attractive. Unique. Desirable. Accepted.

I used to always want to stick out. I wanted to have all eyes on me. I wanted to be the guy that everybody knew for being different, unique, and funny. I wanted to talk in a colorful manner. I wanted to be accepted. I look back on who I was and what I wanted and my life and it was all about judging myself based on others' opinions of me. I identified myself through their eyes, and when I fell short of expectations, I hated myself for it. I was disgusted by myself. I had nothing if I had their acceptance. I felt into the crowd of the "normal". The mediocre. The *gasp* "regular". It was a rough part of my life because I didn't really stick out in the way I wanted to.

Well. Fuck all that. That shit is the past. It's easy to see how kids can be so superficial in high school. But I still see people my age and those well beyond my age that still seek the unique exterior without examining depth. Failing to see distinguishable detail among those that "blend in with the crowd" shows a level of superficiality that I can do without. But isn't everybody like that? Don't we all skim through books with covers that don't catch your eye, or not talk to people in the club that aren't exactly physically appealing.

Exterior is just that. Exterior. On the outside. SHALLOW. How many times have you brushed someone off or dismissed someone simply because they didn't "go against the grain" or the "blended in with the background"? It's fucked up now that I think about it. I've done many times in the past. And at the same time, being a person that's not so easy on the eyes, I've had it happen to me twice as many times. It's a part of life, ya know? But it's a part of life that I have learned to work on.

I'm trying. Slowly but surely. I'm trying.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

If you don't know, now you know...

Friday, July 09, 2004

In the corporate world, loyalty is nothing and share value maximization is everything. I don't know why we always bitch and complain about our jobs when it's obvious that a content and happy employee environment is secondary tertiary to things such as maximizing the value of stocks for investors. Forget about the 4 years of dedication and selflessness of a loyal employee that hasn't experienced a raise since the day they were hired. The jobs working for minimum wage? Yeah, I could see why there is little to no loyalty in those jobs.

Working for minimum wages sends a pretty clear message to the employee.

"We would pay you less, but it's illegal." (Thanks Chris Rock)

I was under the impression that as soon as I got a job that would catapult me above the poverty line, I would find the employer loyalty that we all look for. Sure, we have co-workers that we enjoy working with. And there are those bosses that show a very high level of understanding and compassion for your needs as an employee. But the very bottom line is that unless you own the company you work for, the people who benefit the most from your work don't give a fuck about you unless the company meets and surpasses annual revenue forecasts.

I'm learning slowly, but surely. This isn't what I want to be a part of 5 years from now. You stay long enough in this environment and you lose a sense of selfworth, pride, and satiety. My drive to move ahead in life is not for my personal benefit but for the benefit of my family. Money is cool. We all want more money. But without my son an wife to share it with, it's all for naught.

So with that in mind, I press on. I can bitch, whine, and moan, all day. But just as long as I can come home to my family, I'll do whatever it takes. Even if it means subjecting myself to superficial pursuit of share value maximization.

Monday, July 05, 2004

I remember one of my instructors asking me why I wanted to marry my then girlfriend. Without missing a beat I said, "She's the only woman I've ever met that can take care of me like my mom did." My female instructor looked at me almost surprised at what I said. At the time, I really couldn't articulate why I really felt the way I did about my now wife.

Sometimes I get irritated with my wife when she does certain things that seem really selfish. I get irked when she comes out of the closet wearing clothes she just bought, even though we've had conversations about actually saving some money. I get even more irritated when she makes petty comments that a 17-year-old would say. Sometimes I get mad just because. But I've realized that for the most part she's just shut up and put up with all of my bullshit.

And believe me. There is a ton of my "bullshit" everywhere. My whining and complaining. My stanky underwear. My constant nagging and my father-like lectures about how she needs to do some things differently. She's taken care of me. She nurses me when I'm sick. She gives me a shoulder to cry on. She takes care of my son when I'm out getting drunk and acting a fool. Sometimes I forget about all the things she's sacrificed to make our family work, especially in those early days when we didn't think we could make it. We were young and grew up fast. If you know anything about my wife, she didn't have much of a childhood to begin with.

I'm a firm believer that opposites attract. I'm the ultimate selfish person and she is, in my eyes, one of the most selfless people I know other than my mother. And when I came to that realization, it all came together. She IS just like my mom. She IS just like my dad. She IS just like my grandma. These are people who have selflessly sacrificed to make my life easier. And just like my mom, dad, and grandma before her, I don't thank her enough for all that she's done for me. For us.

You're probably reading this thinking, "Man, he's just doing this so she can read it and he can get his dick sucked." And you know what? You're probably right. But long, sweat-inducing, butt-clenching, spine-tingling, dick-sucking aside, I'd say it anyway.

I promise.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Thursday, July 01, 2004

"Most times, genius is misunderstood, but understand
You stand under unstable tables of foundation
My true occupation, dissemination of information
Usin' both sides of the brain, and I ain't complacent
Complain when I speak, fuck Priority Records
Like Prince, I'm writin' "slave" on my cheek, cause my kids gotta eat
Meanwhile A&R's sniffin' coke, gettin' kickbacks, fuck that
My written's like Christ wit a cross on his back
I'll breathe a total Black experience on a track
What use to be hot was what a emcee said
Now Hip-Hop don't respect you unless you platinum or dead"

- Ras Kass "Van Gogh"