Wednesday, March 31, 2004

As if the "Toxic" video wasn't enough to convince you, Britney Spears is too fuckin' much. You know, I'm all for ass and titties, but this shit is too much. Now I can go on a whole tirade on how she is the true American Idol for millions of little girls and how she's feeding to their already oversexed lives. Or, I can go another route and say how she's completely biting Madonna's shock/sex style that defined her career for the better half of the 80's and early 90's. But, I won't do that because that wouldn't get anything done. I decided to leave a few messages on her phone and give that bitch a piece of my mind:


*beep*

Yo Britney, it's me. I saw the pictures of that shit you pulled off at your last show. Come on, now. We all know you're hot. We all know you're sexy. But shit, leave that porno bullshit in the bedroom. You already have guys jacking off to your videos. Do you really need guys jacking off at your shows? Holla back..


*beep*


*beep*


Britney, it's B again. Yo, sorry for the harsh words earlier. I know you should be comfortable with your sexuality. You're a grown ass woman now. It's just sometimes I get jealous. You're not the same anymore. First it was the drinking. Then the smoking. Now it's the random dry humping. I don't know if I can take it anymore. Call me back..


*beep*


*beep*


Brit. It's B. Just caught "Toxic" on MTV for the 3rd time this hour. Needless to say, I have a towel and two socks that smell like bleach now. You need to kill this sexy shit. All my Dungeons & Dragons online friends laugh at me on a daily basis. Not because you don't talk to me but because of all this raunchy porno shit. I've become a joke. Please stop avoiding my calls...


*beep*


*beep*


Okay, fuck it. Britney. You're a ho. Look at you. First you're selling Sketchers and now you're dry humping a gay Tito Ortiz lookin' muthafucka on stage. I've had it. If your career does not cumlinate with you having sex with Vanilla Ice, consider yourself a failure. You are a disgrace to the real sluts of the world. Now eat a dick, bitch.


*beep*

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Last week I went over to the local batting cages to take a few hacks. I brought the usual: my 13 dollar bat I felt like I stole of eBay last year, my mismatched Franklin batting gloves, and memories of the many baseball seasons of my past.


I miss it. I can't lie. Early Spring always get me itchy not only for the new pollen in the air, but the oncoming baseball season. I played organized baseball for a good 7 years of my life. It was a huge part of my life and was one of the few things that truly made me happy. I was really good. I mean, I may have not been the most skilled or the strongest, but what I lacked physically I made up for in knowing the game. I was a student of the the game of baseball. One of the best compliments I ever received was from my high school pitching coach. He told me that my decision making skills were far beyond the scope of most high school athletes. Baseball was not only a physical game to me, it was also a cerebral game. The position I played, catcher, allowed me to control the game. My decisions allowed me to control where a pitcher threw the ball. This dictated how the defense would align itself. I was at the helm of the team, but it was rarely acknowledged until my coach handed out that compliment. I missed all that.


But what I really missed is just hanging out with the guys and playing a game. There was nothing like it. Baseball practices around the world start off the same way: playing catch. As simple as catch is, it was must more than just tossing the ball back and forth. We joked, laughed, and gossiped about nothing. Bus rides were the best. My first freestyled rap lines were spit in the back of a bus on a trip back from Napa. Just little things like that make me miss the "Baseball Is Life" time of my high school years.


After I graduated high school, I learned quickly that college level baseball was well above my actual skill level. I never really "quit" the sport, I just stopped due to circumstance. I was a freshman in college with new responsibilities. Looking back, I could have walked on and at least tried out, but I was too scared of rejection. I always excelled at all levels of the sport, and I had finally met my match (so I thought). No need for the humiliation, ya know?


The first Spring without baseball was rough. I'd drive to the UC Davis campus and walk to class. Masochistically, I'd walk by the baseball field and see all the guys warming up. The smell of the freshly cut grass taunted me but I still made the walk every day. Now, years later, the thought of actually playing again is long gone. Now I resort to reliving memories by hitting up the batting cages, take some rusty hacks at the ball, and walk away sweaty and tired. This day at the cages last week brought back some of these feelings when I had a conversation with a guy hitting in the next cage.


As I finished a round of swings, the guy in the next cage asked me, "Who do you play for?"


"Uhh, nobody."


"Really?"


"Yeah, I haven't played organized ball for 7 years."


"Wow. I thought you played still because you really have a nice swing. You should think about playing again.."


The comment floored me. I didn't know what to say. He went on to explain that he played for an adult league. He was a little older than me and he told me to consider joining a league similar to his. Honestly, I haven't really though of playing again. Now all the old feelings are coming back. The excitement of Spring crept its way into my soul and I'm really contemplating training to make a comeback next year. Not to A ball or AA ball. Hell, not even a high or mid level adult league. I just want to go back and play catch. I want to go back on the diamond to smile and have fun. All over again.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

We finally got our landline installed. One more week until the DSL comes through. Good news? Maybe. Maybe not.


The last few weeks without the Interent have been great. My wife and I have spent a lot more quality time together, typically having dinner around 10:30, which is about an hour after she gets home from work, and talking. Since I started working back in October, we really haven't had a lot of time to just talk. Most of the time, we'd have a little chit chat before we scrambled to have sex since the combination of her work and school schedule, my work and school shedule, her period, and my son being awake made it difficult for our sliding windows of opportunity to coincide with one another. The combination of no Internet access and our son's more reasonable sleep schedule (10-8 instead of 12-10 when we stayed with my folks) has widened these windows of opportunity for both unadulterated sex and pre and post pillowtalk. I realize now how I was truly missing out on quality time with my wife wasting time playing online poker or chatting with friend I chat with all the time.


DSL comes in exactly 7 days. I'm almost positive that I won't be using it as much as I used to.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

I KID YOU NOT......PLAY M.A.S.H.

Thanks Nancy!

Friday, March 19, 2004

If you were to ask my son to tell you a secret, he would lean in close to you and whisper, "Monkeys eat bananas". It's kind of funny if you ask me. But it brings up few interesting points. One of which is that we almost always see stating the obvious as being "funny" or "cute", when in most cases the obvious answer will solve most or your problems. The other interesting point is that most secrets are usually not productive in any manner and we are probably better off just keeping these things to ourselves.

Did that makes sense? It shouldn't have.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Steak and Blow Job Day
I haven't been getting much sleep lately. We moved into our new apartment last weekend, and as comfy as it is I have to admit that I haven't' gotten quite comfortable. I'm sleeping in the same bed, but the room is a stranger. My buttchecks have yet to contour to the curvaceousness of the toilet seat. The carpet does feel good on my bare feet, but I am still accustomed to walking gingerly on my tip toes across a cold hardwood floor to make some breakfast in the morning. Shower curtains are a new concept since I've spent most of my life showering next to a closed sliding door.


Some things, though, have completely sucked. For one, we have no phoneline. Apparently, the previous tenants just happen to switch their phone carrier to one other than SBC, my preferred phone company of choice. They also forgot to turn off the service. Since the line is still live, SBC cannot set up a phone line for us. For this past week, we've been dealing with SBC and our landlord in an attempt to get this straightened out. We were told by the complex engineers that the problem would be fixed by this past Saturday, but unfortunately I was unsuccessful because the problem has still not been fixed. That problem lead to MY main issue:


NO INTERNET.


Now, I had DSL at my parent's house for a good part of the last couple years. Without a phone number, I have no way to check if my phoneline has DSL available. On top of that, since the phone is out, we cannot even use dial-up service. I seriously cannot believe I just came to terms with the fact that I will be going back to dial-up. I need a shot or nine of rum....


There are some good changes that I can get used to. Now that my son sleeps in a different room, I can come home and unwind watching tv with the volume up. The expansive walk-in closet provides enough room for my clothes, my wife's clothes, and a gang of our shoes. I do, though, have to admit that I have left about 70% of my closet intact at my parents' house, along with about 30 pairs of shoes. So maybe this "pro" is a little premature. Regardless, we have tons of more space.


But the icing on this cake is our freakin' couch. Our new Durapella micro-fiber couch with an attached chaise is easily the biggest hit with not only my family, but the 15 or so guests we've had come through this past week. I spent a pretty penny on that bad boy, but so far it looks to be worth every penny. I'll take a picture of it eventually.


BTW, spent a lot of quality time with Ryan last weekend. Whatever he tells you about me? Don't believe it. It was 10 dollars.

A few more notes from the mind of the smartest idiot you'll ever know....


  • Every time I step out of the shower, I look at myself in the mirror and wish I bought my wife a smaller vibrator.


  • The only reason why people are against Gay marriages is because they are looking at the term "marriage" in the spiritual and religious sense, not the legal. Call it "Legal Unions" and 50% of these people against Gay marriages would shut the fuck up. Last time I checked, our government separates church and state.


  • Let's face it. There should be penis size restrictions included next to some of these Kama Sutra positions. Some of that Lotus shit makes me feel like I need a bottle of Extenze.


  • The only real status that matters is the status you hold among the people you love.


  • I'm not sure if I should attribute the fact that I have never gotten into a fight to my ability to avoid violent situations or my inability to protect myself from any type of violent action.


  • I don't have big hands, but that's okay. You know why? Because they're perfect for holding my dick.


  • I wonder if people put as much effort into deciding what local officials to vote for as they do in selecting our Nation's president. My guess is that they don't. Pretty pathetic if you ask me.


  • Free healthcare sounds like a good idea until people realize how shitty service becomes when you get something for free. Do you see personal shoppers at Goodwill? And if there were, would you take their fashion advice?


  • I don't think there is any situation more uncomfortable than watching parents beat their children in public. I wouldn't even flinch at people having sex in public, but that child beating shit has to stop.
  • Thursday, March 11, 2004

    It blows my mind that commercials for medications that help suppress adult ADD are longer than 10 seconds.
    My uncle died when I was in 12th grade, and I was one of the pall bearers. Three of the other 5 pall bearers were friends my uncle met at the local senior center. All of them were in their late 60's, early 70's, Filipino, and veterans of the United States Armed Forces. Although I did not know them personally, their stories most likely very similar to that of my uncle. They probably enlisted in the US Armed forces during World War II and helped fight Japanese soldiers off their invaded home islands. They've probably consumed a generous amount of alcohol and smokes their fair share of cigarettes through the years which has resulted in high blood pressure, respiratory problems, and other major health issues that have aged their physical appearance 10-15 years faster than their chronological age. Years later, they joined their children who earlier immigrated to the United States in search of opportunity and the "American Dream". I know this story may be very familiar to others.


    During the few times I saw my uncle interact with these men, I couldn't help but think of these men as people who used to be filled with pride and walked with confidence. They had since then been reduced to joking, arguing, interacting like children. Sometimes they would be drunk, curse constantly, and laugh louder than they probably realized. It irked me sometimes because I was taught to respect your elders, but in their current state there seemed to be nothing to respect. All they could do was hang on to past glories. I didn't have the full picture, but from what I saw bothered me.


    I was even more annoyed when I realized what lead to my uncle's death. He was a heavy drinker, and his colon cancer was the result. My dad told me stories about my uncle's days as a "big shot" on the streets of Manila. He described him as a punk. Someone who resorted to violence as the only means of problem solving. Many nights he would drink and smoke far more than any man should. He went on to separate from my auntie, my dad's sister, and have children with another woman. He wasn't exactly a model citizen. I wanted to feel sorry for him being in such bad health, but it was the result of bad decisions. I was met with mixed emotions upon his death.


    It wasn't until the day we lay my uncle to rest that I realized everything that I didn't see earlier about my uncle and these men, his friends from the senior center. There was one single moment that moved me and pretty much solidified my my feelings and emotions I have towards my uncle, his friends, and the military in general. As they lowered my uncle down, the three men stood tall and saluted my uncle. In an instant, the three men I saw as drunken, arguing children transformed men that were dignified and men of stature. I was overwhelmed by the amount of dignity and respect these men held for each other. The amount of unconditional respect each of these former solders' hold for each other is virtually unparalleled in American Society. They understand what it is like to put your life in another person's hands and it was then that I realized that I am in no position to pass judgement, not only on these men but on anybody I encounter.


    There is no time to dwell on the negative. Celebrate the positives in your life before it's too late.

    Friday, March 05, 2004

    My damn sister keeps sending me forwards...

    25 signs that you've grown up:


    1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

    2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

    4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

    5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

    6. You watch the Weather Channel.

    7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

    10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

    12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

    13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's left overs.

    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

    16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM.

    17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of beginning of one.

    18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.

    19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

    20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

    21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

    22. "I just can't drink like I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

    23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.

    24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

    25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one.

    Monday, March 01, 2004