Thank you to my mom, who has made me everything I am. At times it is clear that we cannot stand each other, and I used to hate her for that. It is only now that I realize that we are two of the same. We clash because we are so alike. She criticizes not to put down but to teach. It's not her fault she knows so much. She's the oldest out of 5 children. The daughter of a musician and a teacher, she was forced to be a mom before she was a teenager. All her life she spent taking care of children and only now that her children are grown up is she able to enjoy life as an adult. So now she goes out with my dad to Reno one week, then Vegas another. It was just these last few years that these trips have been frequent, but it didn't' dawn on me that they were never able to do this as a couple. My mom had to balance motherhood and her career since her marriage started, and it's not an easy task. When we moved to Vallejo, my mom became less and less a part of my life because she gave up 3 hours a day to commute to work. With my younger sister hogging all the "mom" time, I was forced to look elsewhere for the attention I had as her "mama's boy". She never had to touch me, or talk to me. She just had to acknowledge me and I was happy. I wanted her attention so much I would exhaggerate sickness so she could stay home and take care of me. I know it killed her inside to know that it would never be the same as it was when I was young, before my sister moved to the States from the Philippines. It was just us. Me and my mom. I see her reliving those moments with my son and it's bitter sweet to know that that used to be me and I'll never get that undivided attention again. Thank you for being you and letting me be me. I know where I get my charm, charisma, and the ability to draw peoples' attention so easily. I may not tell you all the time, but I love you.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Misunderstood has become a cliche. We are all misunderstood because we create our own realities in our minds. Points of view are so unique that it is impossible to see things through the same lens. Two people will tell the different stories about the same events, almost as if they were the witnesses of separate events, or maybe similar events that happened in different places. Even if you fail to live your own life because of twin-hood, your interpretation of the world around you will remain unique.
I'm sick of hearing shit like that: "No one understands me," or "I'm weird," or "I like anal sex with donkeys". Okay, well maybe not the last one, but you get the point. People who complain about being misunderstood typically cite narrow-mindedness or prejudice, as if they are a simple picture that you can see only if you really concentrate. You know, like those posters and books from the 90's where you'd have to stare at them to see the "hidden picture" (which I have to admit I've NEVER seen, but that's a whole other blog in itself). But it's bullshit. We are all intricate jigsaw puzzles with missing pieces, some more than others. Misunderstanding is a given. I mean, we barely understand ourselves, right?
So is the concept of being "misunderstood" completely bogus? My opinion? Yes.
No one will know you like you do. And you don't even know yourself! You might run into someone with similar interests and find a chemistry or a "compatibility" with them, but will they ever completely understand you? No. They can go on to learn everything about you and be able to validate and justify every action and every recurring behavior, but they will not know what exactly makes your wheels turn. The will never see that old programming flow chart that serves as your decision making process.
So we're fucked, right? We'll never really be completely compatible with anyone? Well, no again.
Yeah, I'm married. Does my wife know me more than anybody I know? Yes. Does she know what makes me tick? A little. Does she really know every thing there is to know about me? No. I've had events in my life that have affected me in ways I can't even understand myself. I can describe the events. I can explain what I've learned from the experience. But I cant' tell her without bias how I have grown or deteriorated in terms of my character, decision making, and personality. She can sympathize, but she can't empathize. And that's the difference. I've emptied my box of pieces and my wife has put them all in place. There are still holes in my puzzle, but that's okay. She can see a good part of the picture.
We're all misunderstood. Men don't understand women. Women don't understand men. Old people don't understand kids. Kids don't understand old people. I mean, our own parents fail to find any level of understanding with us. Does that mean that our relationships suffer because of this lack of empathy? I don't think so. I think the beauty of interpersonal relationships that develop and grow is the fact that we strive to know each other on that level. It's like trying to live a life with Jesus and God. We're never going to live a life without sin, but the journey of our lives in an attempt to do so.
There's nothing I love better than getting to know somebody. It's exciting. It's fun. Trying to get to know what makes a person tick to me is much better than drinking up with somebody partying. I love dialogue. I love putting the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together. Sure, with everybody there will be missing pieces. Some people will chose to only give you a glance at their puzzle. Hey, that's all I ask for.
Here's another piece of my puzzle, guys. Holla back.
Friday, November 21, 2003
I think I've found another blog to stalk. Sepi,an aspiring writer has caught my eye and I think she's cooler than the other side of the pillow.
I've been looking to sign up at 24 Hour Fitness. I'm getting fuckin' unbelievably fat. Shit is horrible.
Can you believe all this Michael Jackson shit?
I still need a damn haircut. It's horrible. It's the longest it's been in a good 10 years. That doesn't really say much, since I've been bald for a good part of the past 10 years, but still. Shit is long, yo.
Ultimate Cheeseburgers are still $1.99 at Jack In The Crack. It feels so bad but it taste so good.
Have a good Friday. I'll be working all night. Again. All by myself.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Sometimes I treat my wife like shit. Nww, I don't hit her. Sometimes I yell at her. Sometimes I curse at her. I always listen to her. I take her criticism well, I tell her I love her. I try to show her I love her. I love her.
I treat women I don't know well. I never hit them. I never yell at them. I never curse at them. I listen carefully. I take criticsm well. I don't love these women.
Holy Kris Kross! I got my shit backwards, yo.
I have these women in my life that have given everything they have and I take them for granted. I have these other women who have given me nothing, but they get charming, kind, and classy Joe.
I'm trying. Trust me, I'm trying.
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
I speak well. I speak uniquely. I used to hear it all the time. I was once told that I was an instruemnt of God and that my ability to communicate would get the word of God to more people than I could ever imagine. Talk about fuckin' pressure. I even had a girl compliment me back in 11th grade, telling me that I had a "unique eloquence". The ironic thing was that I had no idea what "eloquent" meant at the time.
But I do like being articulate. Learning a new word to use to me is like a carpenter buying a new tool or an artist discovering a new stroke. I love talking. To anybody. I think speaking to people makes me feel comfortable, almost like a security blanket. I get a lot of affirmation from others through communicating orally. When people don't talk to me, it almost feels insulting, as if they are shuting me out by ignoring my words. But even deeper than that, they are ignoring my feelings and ideas.
My wife is a good listener. I think that's why we work. My feelings flow out of me constantly, and it takes a good ear to hear what I'm feeling. My son on the other had has corks in his ear. Okay, he's three. But damn, he doesn't listen to shit and I can't stand it.
I just typed those few paragraphs out and I realized that none of it makes sense , is not coherent, nor does it bear anything that may interest you or anybody for that matter. Forgive me readers-er "reader", for I don't know what I do, but I do know that my blog sucks. This writing shit sucks. I wish I could have a face to face chat with all of you to get a true taste of my personality. This Internet shit doesn't pick up voice inflections, tones or cadence. I have a lot of important shit to say and writing isn't exactly the best way to get it out me. Ahh fuck, go read Ryan. That mutherfucker said some crazy shit on Saturday.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
People look at my life and consider me a failure, as if I somehow fell short of something. Fuck failure. The only goals I feel like achieving are the ones that I set for myself. On a journey up some of these hills, I'd run into something new to shoot for. Serendipity is my friend and Lady Luck has me on her shit list. I spend too much time thinking about what could have been and not enough time cherishing what I have. These past months have been good. I look back on my shortcomings and I've learned from them. Remember when Iron Mike was poppin' off at the mouth talking about Lennox Lewis' kids and wanting to destroy him? Well, I'm that confident. You can call me The Grouch because success is destiny.
So what you can't write a book about my life? Who gives a fuck if this shit isn't movie worthy? Man, this shit isn't even blog worthy, ya know? But fuck what you heard, I'm happy man. Life is good and it can only get better.
Now get the fuck outta my Kool-Aid.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Driving home at 5 in the morning everyday from work is somewhat interesting. While I'm driving home to get into bed, most people are either getting up or are already on the road to get to work. There are times like last night when I have to stop and get gas on my way home, and I see these people. Just a hint of oncoming dawn in the sky mixed with a few California clouds is what they wake up to. They get to the gas station, maybe get a coffee and some smokes. And a lot of them DO NOT look happy. I mean, it's fuckin' 5 in the morning. I pull into the gas station with my car stereo bumpin'. I don't have any subwoofers or anything in my car, but it's still pretty loud. You know, typical young asshole type shit. I mean, for me it's only about 8 or 9pm on my body clock, so i can tolerate it. I stand there leaning against my car as the gas pumps and nodding my head to the beat. Maybe it's to some James Brown or Talib Kweli. Either way it's loud, so the reluctant early birds scowl or just look at me confused as they walk by as if asking "How the fuck can you listen to his radio so loud this early in the morning?" with their eyebrows alone.
Ah well, that's what I do now. My days of living a normal life with a schedule that is in tune with most are pretty much over. It's part of the journey, yo. The sacrafices I make right now can shape the rest of my life. I wish somebody told me this 10 years ago.
Oh wait, my mom and dad told me that 10 years ago. I just chose not to listen. Fuck, chalk another one up for the parents.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
INSANEEQUINE: am i the "rail thin Olive Oyl looking chick"?
muscle6868: that would be winnie cooper
muscle6868: form the wonder yeard
INSANEEQUINE: ok ok
INSANEEQUINE: ps we aren't a "less popular blog" <3
muscle6868: you sure?
INSANEEQUINE: less popular then say, moxie or instapundit
muscle6868: you dont post often
INSANEEQUINE: more popular than say, you and raymi
INSANEEQUINE: i don't have to!
muscle6868: why wouldnt you
INSANEEQUINE: we get over 1500 visits a day usually
INSANEEQUINE: i'm a busy kid :\ i wish i could
muscle6868: i see
muscle6868: well, im not going for popularity
muscle6868: so thats not a big deal
muscle6868: raymi can be whatever
INSANEEQUINE: well you bought it up ;-) just wanted to let you know you
weren't doing me any favors.
muscle6868: im lost
muscle6868: doing you favors in what regard?
INSANEEQUINE: "It's what we do. We go to the less popular pages and make
them feel special."
muscle6868: you dont feel special?
muscle6868: feeling special is not from hits
INSANEEQUINE: but i'm not sure if you're talking to say anything or
just to talk?
muscle6868: I commented on your blog
muscle6868: that doesn't make you feel special?
INSANEEQUINE: 26 times on the last post?
INSANEEQUINE: not really
muscle6868: why not?
INSANEEQUINE: picking on nate is not nice
muscle6868: Nate donated 100 dollars
INSANEEQUINE: he's a very rich real life friend with deep pockets
muscle6868: if he was that rich
muscle6868: he'd fund the whole thing
INSANEEQUINE: he will
INSANEEQUINE: i told him not to
muscle6868: well then
muscle6868: theres no reason to take anyone elses money
INSANEEQUINE: i'm not letting my friend pay for the whole thing. i'm not
even planning on letting you guys pay for the whole thing. we're just
taking what you feel like giving <3
muscle6868: but Nate feels like paying for the whole thing
INSANEEQUINE: and i didn't let him.
muscle6868: but he feels like it
muscle6868: and you said you'd take what we feel like giving
muscle6868: so why no?
INSANEEQUINE: i don't feel like letting him pay for the whole thing
INSANEEQUINE: i don't feel like letting anyone pay for the whole thing.
muscle6868: so is this virginia boy gonna get a kiss?
muscle6868: i mean, at least that
muscle6868: its prom
INSANEEQUINE: he has a girlfriend
INSANEEQUINE: who he is taking
INSANEEQUINE: i don't even know who is taking me
muscle6868: poor guy
muscle6868: so Im still curious as to why I ont make you fel special
INSANEEQUINE: i think it's quality not quantity that makes a girl feel
INSANEEQUINE: that and flowers.
muscle6868: theres quality comments on there?
INSANEEQUINE: are there?
muscle6868: im asking you
muscle6868: its your blog
INSANEEQUINE: i think some of them must be
muscle6868: so you decide what quality is
INSANEEQUINE: with 144 to choose from
muscle6868: but not mine
INSANEEQUINE: i'm just saying, whatever comment you have on the post can
said in less than 26 comments?
muscle6868: can it though?
muscle6868: it wont ahve the same feeling
INSANEEQUINE: i think it would have a better feeling :D
INSANEEQUINE: just a thought.
INSANEEQUINE: you said you like brutal honesty :D
muscle6868: i think they al have a little something to them
muscle6868: and by clumping them up
muscle6868: their integrity would be compromised
INSANEEQUINE: i will review them later and give you second opinion.
muscle6868: hey, no worries
muscle6868: i dont want you wasting any time on them
INSANEEQUINE: they're my comments, they're like children.
INSANEEQUINE: i am going to post tonight anyway.
muscle6868: you should ask all 1500 to comment
INSANEEQUINE: i know that would be super.
muscle6868: yes it would
muscle6868: so mine would just get lost in the shuffle
INSANEEQUINE: 1500 comments would be better than christmas.
muscle6868: it would?
INSANEEQUINE: well sort of.
muscle6868: i sure hope not
muscle6868: giving gifts and making people smile
muscle6868: or horny guys who love you saying how cute you are 1000 times
INSANEEQUINE: well you know
INSANEEQUINE: our readership is a little more diverse than that
INSANEEQUINE: probably someplace around there
muscle6868: so, thats 1000 out of 1500
muscle6868: like i said
INSANEEQUINE: actually, i'd say more like 55%
INSANEEQUINE: it could be up since all of the gorillamask plugs
muscle6868: it may
muscle6868: so what does hits get you?
muscle6868: im new to this whole blog thing
INSANEEQUINE: 1500 visits, not hits
muscle6868: whats the diff?
INSANEEQUINE: hits is every time someone visits some aspect of your page..
so someone visits the front page and it loads up 10 pictures and it
registers 11 hits.
INSANEEQUINE: visits is the number of people who came to the front page.
INSANEEQUINE: unique people
muscle6868: i see
muscle6868: and what does that get
INSANEEQUINE: it doesn't get me anything at all, since i wrote for half a
year with bascially no visits. wait, it's fun.
INSANEEQUINE: but i started it for me and lauren.
muscle6868: i see
muscle6868: better than christmas
INSANEEQUINE: maybe a really lame christmas.
muscle6868: if you say so
muscle6868: well, im sorry i upset your comments box
INSANEEQUINE: quite alright
INSANEEQUINE: you just loved them a little too much
INSANEEQUINE: ok, time for me to be productive <3 i don't mean to sound
like a major bitch, i am glad that you read and comment but don't pick on
little friend nate he's so very nice.
muscle6868: hes a nerd
muscle6868: but its ok
Saturday, November 08, 2003
But no. Nothing. She chose not to and now she felt compelled to seem interested and concerned, which was complete bullshit.
I'd rather had no smiles than fake smiles. People mistake fakeness for kindness. I'd rather have someone that dislikes me act like it instead of playing a role. Fuck being fake. I have old "friends" that come at me with that "so how are you doing?" line, when it's way too obvious that they really don't give a fuck. I typically say "Same ol' shit", put it in their pipe for them and let them smoke it. I don't play that shit. Never have, never will. I wanted to say "FUCK YOU" so bad, but I was drunk and I would rather have a cigarette then have people mad at me, the ultimate buzzkill.
I'm not perfect either. I have this habit of talking shit about everybody. Even my friends. And it's true. I talk shit all the time IF talking shit constitutes talking about a person in a critical manner behind their back. Theyr'e my friends, man. Regardless of how they act or what they say, they will always be my friends. I will stand by them in a time of war and I will comfort them in a time of sorrow. Sometimes it's easy talking about a person when they're not around and say nothing when they are there. But that's where I'm different. I'll tell you you did something fucked up behind your back AND to your face. I call a duck a duck. My closest friends are like my brothers. I hold them in such high reguard and I hold them to sometimes unreachable standards. Sometimes I have to call them on it,but I love them regardless. I wouldn't expect any less from them. I kind of wish they would make me more aware of my own faults. Call me on the fucked up shit I do, because I know there is plenty to point out.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
Feelin brand new and I, I jumped up
Feelin my highs and my lows
In my soul, and my goals
Just to stop smoking and stop drinkin
But I been thinkin I got my reasons
Just to get by...
"Get By" - Talib Kweli
I sing this song every day I go to work. That shit is powerful. I don't think people understand the weight that that song carries. I've been meaning to blog about this for a while now. Hip Hop music in the main stream has been pretty negative. But looking back on what has passed in '03, you see songs like The Black Eyed Peas "Where Is The Love?" and Nas' "I Can" along with Talib's "Get By" on mainstream media such as radio and MTV/BET. That's a huge step towards the national and mainstream recognition of Hip Hop as a positive entity.
I was watching the MTV Music awards a few months ago, and I'm typically against watching that shit. I saw Black Eyed Peas perform during the "Pre Show". I was initially indifferent, but then I started to wonder how important this performance could be. The MTV Music awards are played in a ton of countries. Can you imagine how a song like "Where Is The Love" can change the perception of what Hip Hop music is like? Although it was a small performance that took place outside of the theatre, it was still somehow associated with the awards. That along with Nas' nomination for "I Can" were pretty interesting events that night.
It's still kind of weird associating myself with the false pretenses about Hip Hop and "Rap". My friends Group Therapy are a group of aspiring emcees who I am very proud of. When talk about them to people outside of the Hip Hop scene, I feel myself immediately describing them as being "positive" and very different than "what you see on TV". There is this stigma associated with the culture that I identify with and that I love: negativity, misogyny, violence, etc. I'm just glad there are people out there that are looking to change this misconception.
I'm the kind of person that gets into the music. Whenever I'm driving somewhere, I play my cd's and I'm shoutin' the lyrics at the top of my lungs. I get down to it, yo. And sometimes I catch people taking a glance and giggling at me. I don't care. Fuck them. This is how I get down. Remember that guy at the club that knows the lyrics to every song and is mouthing them as he dances, making it less and less like he's actually dancing with a woman and more and more like he's performing a dance solo? That's me.
B-Boy Remind said in the latest installment of of the b-boy video magazine Breakvision Vol. 2, that he just wants to see everybody get "free". Get free to the music with no inhibitions and be the ultimate bodily manifistation of music. Can you imagine that? Everybody being able to just vibe to music and enjoy themselves. We're not talkin' about that booty-bling-bling shit. I'm talkin' about the shit that lifts your mind to another level. The music that is put on this earth to uplift and enlighten. We clown people who don't dance the way we think is cool or dress a certain way or talk a certain way. But fuck that. We have too much going on in our own lives to worry about the next man. Express yourself. Honestly and constantly. Don't hold back. Don't worry about what the next man says. Fuck them. Do it for YOU. It doesn't just pertain to the Hip Hop crowd. This is for everybody. I want to get the fuck down and get FREE!!! Like Andre3000 said in "Elevators":
"We live beat to beat like you live check to check.."
I can honestly say that music is the soundtrack of my life. I'll be 80 years old and when a beat comes on that I just feel I'll still be nodding my head. From James Brown to Sum41. From Snoop Dogg to Cibo Mato. If that shit is hot, I'm lovin' it.
Monday, November 03, 2003
Let's play "Which character are they talking about?" Winner gets kudos. Not a Kudos bar, but just kudos.
SPECIFIK: she's CRAZY
SPECIFIK: there's the danger element
SPECIFIK: she might bite my dick off but i'd risk it
D0NNIEVEGA: damn....i have visions of [someone] from Kill Bill in my head
D0NNIEVEGA it's perverted
D0NNIEVEGA: because last time i saw her, she was one armed and rolling down a hill of snow
KoolKeith: amputees need love too
KoolKeith: plus she's hot
SPECIFIC: even though i hate [someone]... her choppin off that dude's head was gangsta
SPECIFIK: [someone] is like the perfect tool of tarintino
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Since I work the graveyard shift I get the opportunity to see a lot of these shows, and dammit, TV used to be good. As I watch old episodes of Three's Company, I've realized 2 things: John Ritter was great and Precilla Barnes was HOT. As I watch old episodes of The Cosby Show, I've realized 2 things: Bill Cosby is genius and Lisa Bonet was HOT. As I watch Full House, I've realized 2 things: Dave Coulier was never funny and Lori Loughlin was HOT. As I watch Cheers I've realized 2 things: Cliff had a Bostonian accent that mysteriously disappeared and Kirsty Alley was not HOT.
So what have we learned today? Well, nothing. I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of the Olsen twins.